The Other Strory
by marcen12
Summary: A parody of Toy Story.
1. Chapter 1

The Other Story: chapter 1

This story starts off in a room, where there are blue walls with white painted clouds. It's quiet. There are piles of boxes that make a small town. One of the boxes has a wanted poster of a potato head, with a reward of $0.05, mostly because it is useless. The silence is peaceful until a potato shaped head appears out of nowhere, with a gun in the hand. A young boy named Andy, who is playing cops and robbers with toys, holds the head.

"Alright," he started. "This is a stick up. Don't anybody move."

As soon as this first sentence is said to a bunch of unmoving toys, a toy soldier gets tipped over. Immediately, the head goes over to the fallen toy and shoots it. The gun is made out of real bullets and the soldier is in smithereens.

"What did I just tell you idiots?" he screams. "Now empty that safe."

A piggy bank had been hung upside-down with all the money it contained in it coming out of the floor, exactly $0.02.

"Oh, boy!" he exclaimed. "Money, money, money!" he kisses the two pennies that lay on the floor.

Suddenly, Little Ho Peep exclaims, "Why are you doing this?"

"Quiet, Ho Peep," he started. "Or your sheep get run over." He gestures outside the window, where at the driveway there are three toy sheep.

"Uh oh," they scream. "Baaahhh! Help..." They didn't finish because they get run over by an 18-wheel truck.

"OH NO!" Ho Peep screams, even though she's unaware that her sheep have been killed. "NOT MY SHEEP! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!"

There is a pause.

Ho Peep starts again. "I said, SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!"

Suddenly, a toy walks lazily on the bed. It is a cowboy but not a regular one. This cowboy had a beer bottle in one hand and a lighted cigarette in the other. Its eyes were red and it looked hung over. The clothes were rugged and the hat was backwards. There is a badge on a piece of clothing that read the name, Hardon. Hardon than jumps from the bed to the box town but he falls flat on his face. He gets back up, and throws up.

Andy pulls the string from Hardon's back and there is a voice in him that says, "I WILL FUCK YOU UP!"

Potato Head is surprised. "Oh no! Hillbilly Hardon!"

Hardon nods his head. "That's right, you bastard."

At this point, Hardon drinks more alcohol and his vision begins to blur. He takes out his gun, tries to aim at Potato Head but ends up shooting a Dick Cheney action figure. Hardon tries again, aiming at Potato Head. Letting out a loud burp, his arm flies up and the gun fires at a Kurt Cobain doll. Hardon tries once more and finally hits Potato Head.

"You're going to jail now," Hardon says, as Potato Head is picked up and thrown in jail, which is actually a crib. "Say hello to Princess Arsonist." The crib has been occupied by Andy's baby brother, who than puts the toy into his ass.

Andy pulls the string on Hardon, which makes Hardon say, "You're my favorite bitch."

While the theme song, _You Got An Enemy In Me, _is playing, Andy and Hardon play hillbilly. Andy starts playing the banjo, quite terribly, and drinks a beer. After passing out for twelve minutes, the twosome goes out of the room.

Andy slides Hardon down the staircase when they get to the top of the stairs. Andy pulls out a match, lights it and tosses it on the staircase. Hardon's shirt and the flammable staircase unexpectedly blow up and Andy, who is down the stairs by this time, watches the amazement. Hardon flies through the air and Andy catches him.

They are in the living room and spin around the chair. After throwing up, Andy laughs and, due to the alcohol, takes a knife and slashes Hardon's wrists. Blood is coming out of them.

Andy leaves Hardon bleeding on the couch as he goes to his mother in the kitchen.

"How do you like the cake?" she asks.

"It sucks, Mom!"

"Well, I'm glad you like it."

"There is nothing here that I've asked for!" Andy throws the cake at his Mom and jumps around. "Oh my gosh, gosh."

Mom thinks. "Yeah, I think that's going to be enough."

"Can I have a cigarette before we go?"

"Sure. Now go get your adopted retarded brother."

"Great." Andy goes to Hardon and picks him up. "It's Hammer Time, Hardon." They run upstairs to Andy's room.

As they get in, Andy sees that his brother is masturbating in the potato head.

"Howdy, little lady?" Andy says to him. The boy stops masturbating, laughs and throws Potato Head to the ground.

Andy puts Hardon on his bed and pulls his string. "SOMEBODY SHIT IN THE WATERHOLE!"

Andy takes his brother out of his crib. "Come on, little bro." The baby puts his hand down his pants. "No, you retard."

"See you later, Hardon." Andy calls out, as he leaves the room.


	2. Chapter 2

The Other Story: Chapter 2

A few seconds later, Hardon comes alive and lazily looks at the room.

"Andy is having a party and I don't even know about it until today?" he says. "Okay, everybody!" he calls out to the room. "Coast is clear!"

As he says this, the closet opens and a sex toy looks out of it. Suddenly, a dozen toys come to life.

Potato Head also. "Ages three and up. It's on my box." He complains. "Ages three and up. I don't remember anything about babysitting chronic ejaculators."

The whole room in live with living toys. Pork, the piggy bank, is putting back the money into himself and Potato Head, with the baby's cum all over his face, walks to the pig.

"Hey, look," he starts. "I'm Charlie Sheen!"

Pork shrugs his head. "I don't get it." He says as he walks away.

"I hope you're happy for giving everyone swine flu! What are you looking at, you lazy black slave?" he says to the hockey puck as he walks away.

"Where is that clipboard?" Hardon asks as he gets off the bed. "Hey, Stoney?"

"Right here, Hardon," a slinky dog calls out from under the bed. He is obviously stoned and is carrying a bag of weed. "How much do you want this time?"

"No, Stoney..."

"Okay, well if you don't want any..." Stoney starts to walk away.

"No, Stoney," Hardon whispers. "I've got some good news."

Stoney is horrified. "Good news?!"

Hardon closes his mouth. "Shhh."

Suddenly, all the toys stop.

Hardon looks around as he whispers. "Make sure you call a staff meeting right now. And be sad."

Stoney nods his head. "Okay." And begins to walk away.

"Be sad!"

Stoney obeys the order and cries in between giggles.

Hardon walks past a toy snake and robot. "Staff meeting everybody," he starts. "No drugs this time." The snake goes under the bed but the robot grabs it. The snake proceeds to bite the robot's arm and the robot malfunctions and falls down.

Hardon passes by an etch-a-sketch. Slowly, they stop. Hardon says, "Draw." Both turn around to draw a gun and the sketch draws a gun and shoots Hardon.

"Oh!" he exclaims. "Got me again!" he holds his chest as it starts bleeding. "You have a very fast draw. Fastest draw in the Eastside." Suddenly, a Lil' Jon doll comes to Hardon, menacingly. "I mean, the fastest draw on the West." A Ludacris doll comes to Hardon and stares, furiously. "Oh, fuck it." And walks away.

Pork shouts out to the toys. "Okay, everyone! It's showtime!"

Meanwhile, Hardon is looking for something. "Where is that... oh, there it is." He walks towards the object he is looking for. "Hey, who put this porno clipboard way over here in the corner?"

Suddenly, a doll in front of Hardon comes out of nowhere. "THE WORLD WILL END AS WE KNOW IT!"

Hardon looks at the clipboard, unfazed. "Hey, how are you doing, Mr. Gore."

The Al Gore doll sighs. "Were you scared? Tell me honestly."

Hardon starts walking away from Al. "I was very close to being scared."

Al shrugs. "I know I'm scary but I just can't feel it. I think I'm coming off as annoying..."

Before Hardon takes another step, he is jerked back by a cane. He looks to see Ho Peep. "Oh hi, Ho," he gushes. "Hi."

Ho Peep starts. "I want to thank you for saving my flock."

"Oh, hey," he says, puzzled. "It was, uh, nothin'."

"Maybe someone else can watch the sheep tonight."

Hardon laughs, like a horny dog. "Well, yeah. I...I..."

Ho Peep walks away. "I'm only a few blocks away."

Woody looks around and follows Ho Peep.

Stoney the dog is calling all the toys for the meeting. "Come on. The meeting is coming. Hardon?"

Hardon comes out from under the bed, with his clothes backward and a cigarette in his mouth. He walks up to the huge bucket, which is a podium for the toys, with a clipboard in hand. He is given a microphone by the toy stereo.

"Uh, thanks." He starts. "Now, for..." there is a huge fart that interrupts him. "Whoa, whoa," Woody holds his nose. "Stereo, step back." The stereo steps back, as the other toys complain about the smell.

Hardon then blows into the microphone. "Testing one, two. Are we clear? Toys up in the windows? Can you hear me great! Because I was blowing more than just this microphone." Hardon gets serious, as his erection is gone. "Okay, first meeting today. Ah yes. Have anyone picked a moving buddy?"

The toys go into a panic. "Moving buddies? You can't be serious."

Potato Head takes off his hand. "Do we have to hold hands?" Everyone laughs, except Hardon.

"You guys think this is a big joke. It is a big joke. I don't want anyone left behind. So if you don't have a toy partner, get one! OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL SHOOT ALL OF YOU RIGHT NOW!"

Silence.

"Okay," Hardon starts again. "Next business. Andy's emo party has been moved to today. And next week..." As he finished that sentence, all the toys panic.

"The party is today!? I thought it wasn't until next year! When he commits suicide!" Al Gore cries.

"What wrong with Andy's mom?" Pork asks from the room windows. "Is his mom losing her marbles?"

Hardon looks up at Pork. "Well, yes. She just got checked out from the mental hospital this morning. Besides, she wanted to do the party before the move." He then looks at the toys. "I'm not worried, you shouldn't be worried."

Potato Head shoves some toys aside. "Of course, Hardon, isn't worried. He's been Andy's favorite since his mom masturbated in his hat."

Stoney comes to the rescue. "Hey, hey, come on, Mr. Head." As Stoney talks, Mr. Potato Head looks at one of the toys and points at Stoney and rolls his eyes. He then manages to take off his lips and puts it in front of his crouch that he doesn't have and licks it. "If Hardon says it's alright, than it's not good enough for me. Hardon has never steered us wrong before."

Pork steps in. "Except for the time he chose to watch a movie with Ben Affleck."

Hardon sighs. "Okay, mistakes were made. Don't think I don't regret that. Every Christmas and birthday we go through this."

Al pushes more toys aside. "What if he replaces me? With a better person? What if he borrows a worse Ben Affleck movie? I don't think I can take that kind of rejection."

Hardon calms Al down. "Hey, hey, no one is getting replaced. This is Andy we are talking about. If doesn't matter who he plays with. What matters is that he will never, ever, ever, ever replace anyone and never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER, EVER, EVER get a worse Ben Affleck movie. Besides, I guarantee you that his next movie, Gigli, will be a better movie."

Pork interrupts. "I hate to break up the staff meeting but, THEY'RE HERE! BIRTHDAY PEOPLE AT 3:00!"

All the toys rush to the window, running over Hardon. "I hate you bitches."

The toys are all at the window, with Potato Head way at the back. "I can't see a thing." He removes both of his eyes and raises them up to see the window.

Pork looks at Potato Head. "Your armpits smell as bad as Kevin Federline." Potato Head frowns. "Yeah, you heard me right. Now go use deodorant, you bum." Potato Head walks away, sad.

Pork looks at the window. "Wow. So many presents from the eyes can see."

Al is scared. "Any President shaped ones?"

Pork frowns at Al. "How the hell should I know? They're all in boxes, you idiot."

As the present goes by, "They're getting bigger. Like a handful of penises." Al exclaims.

Stoney tells them. "Hey, there's a nice big and tall one over there." But the present is absolutely tiny. The toys start screaming and a Kurt Cobain doll gets a gun and shoots himself.  
Hardon shakes his head, as Al screams. "WE'RE DOOMED!"

Having enough, Hardon shouts, "Alright! ALRIGHT!" The toys calmly turn to Hardon. "If I send in the troops, will you all calm down?"

Al shouts. "OKAY! OKAY! WE PROMISE!"

Hardon sighs. "Okay! I'll send in the Canadian troops. No one cares about them."

Pork looks at Potato Head, who smells like Ax. "That old Hardon," Pork says nodding his head. "Always thinking of something."

Hardon goes on top of the bed, where beside it is a bucket of live soldiers. Canadian to be exact.

"Lt. Nash," he calls out. A soldier comes to Hardon's command. "We got a party downstairs. Code red. You know what to do."

Lt. Nash screams. "Sir, yes, Sir!" Nash turns to the live soldiers. "Men! We have been alerted at code red! LET'S MOVE! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!" Four soldiers, and that's it, move out of the bucket and out the door, with the other toys watching.


	3. Chapter 3

The Other Story: Chapter 3

The four soldiers are all carrying a huge walkie-talkie. They are struggling as they are at the stairs, where they hear the commotion of the party. Two soldiers jump off the stairs with parachutes. Andy's mom is seen downstairs.

"Everyone hurry up!" she calls out. "It's almost time for the presents!"

The soldiers realize their cues and jump off the stairs. They pull their parachutes but nothing happens and they smash into the floor. The walkie-talkie manages to fall on top of them.

The soldiers are marching towards the plants where they are going to see the presents. Suddenly, a voice:

"Okay! Who's hungry? I'll bring on the chips!" The soldiers freeze. "I've got Kool Whip and Bar-B-Q!" She steps on one of the soldiers. "OW! Fuck! I told that retard adopted son of mine to pick these up." She brushes them of the floor with her feet.

Back in the room, Hardon is setting the walkie-talkie so they could hear about the birthday presents via soldiers. The other toys are worrying.

"What's taking them so long?"

"What's going on?"

"Relax!" Hardon says. "These guys are pros, they're the best! It's not like they're lying around on the job."

Downstairs, the soldiers are lying down on the job after a few beers and get back up. The soldiers go to the plants with the walkie-talkie but the soldier who has been stepped on is down. Lt. Nash turns back to save him.

"Go on without me! Just go..." he says, struggling.

Nash picks him up. "No soldier should be left behind!"

Suddenly, a ball is kicked toward them.

"Except for this case! Fuck it! You're on your own." He drops the injured soldier and runs inside the plant. The injured soldier gets run over by the ball.

Back in the room, the toys finally hear Nash. "Attention, mother bird!"

Hardon is excited. "This is it! This is it! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet!"

Nash continues, "Okay, Andy is opening his first present. It's a suicide note!"

Hardon is confused. "A suicide note?"

Stoney smiles and laughs. "For his suicide."

Nash again, "The next present. It appears to be. Okay, it's a Simple Plan CD!"

Potato Head: "Who invited that kid?

Pork is looking around nervously. "Yeah, who?"

Later, Andy's mom announces: "Oh, it's the last box!"

Nash: "Andy's opening the last box. It's a..."

The toys are scared.

"It's a crappy movie autographed by Pauly Shore!"

They toys cheer! There is champagne everywhere!

The soldiers are packing up. "That's it boys, we're going home!" A soldier turns off the walkie-talkie.

Hardon shrugs, "What did I tell you, huh," he asks. "Nothing to worry about."

Stoney laughs. "I knew you were right all along, Hardon. Always doubted you for the whole time."

The soldiers begin to leave when Andy's mom comes back into the room.

"OH! WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?" She comes in the room with another present.

The soldiers are shocked: "TURN THAT THING BACK ON!"

Upstairs, the toys hear the walkie-talkie. "Come in, mother bird! Come in, mother bird! Mom has a surprise birthday gift! Andy's opening it. They're real excited! I see it in their pants. I CAN'T SEE ONE OF THE KIDS IS IN THE WAY! It's a..." The static went dead.

Al Gore shakes the walkie-talkie. "It's a what? What is it?" he smashes the walkie-talkie and the batteries come out.

Potato Head is furious. "Look what you did you, crazy man! Now we're never going to know what it is!"

Pork: "Now I see why Bush was elected and not you!"

Al punches Pork. "Since you're a toy, I can eat you up without getting sick from swine flu! Fuck the world!"

While the two toys are fighting it out, everyone else is watching as Hardon is putting the batteries in the walkie-talkie.

Finally, he succeeds and turns it on. The following words make everyone freeze. "ABORT MISSION! ANDY IS COMING UPSTAIRS NOW!"

Hardon screams: "ANDY AND HIS MANSON FRIENDS ARE COMING UPSTAIRS! HURRY BACK TO YOUR PLACES!!!!!!"

The toys are in panic mode and they are all over the place. There is screaming and gunfire everywhere.

"Cheney!" Hardon screams. "Put away the gun and go back to your place!"

The Cheney doll, with a shotgun, sighs. "Okay." He goes back to a spot with the Kurt Cobain doll and put the shotgun right to his face.

All the toys are in their place as the kids are coming upstairs. Hardon checks to see if all the toys are in place. Then he goes on the bed, after a shock of whiskey, and stays still.

Seconds later, the kids go into the room. All of them tear up the room. The toys are in disarray. One of the kids was so filled with angst, that he kicked a hole into a wall. Another kid smashed a glass bottle on Andy's head. Andy, who is angry as Hell, gets a knife from his pocket and stabs him.

Andy goes to the bed and knocks Hardon off the bed and replaces it with something else. Hardon is under the bed.

"Kids!" Andy's mom calls out. "Time for games!"

The kids, who are really pissed off for some reason, grumble as they leave the room.

One of the kids tabs Andy on the shoulder. "Dude," he says. "Your mom's hot."

Andy stares. "Shut up, Ted."

"But my name isn't Ted."

"Fuck off, you retard."

"At least I have a father."

The door closes, as Andy is the last person to leave the room.


	4. Chapter 4

The Other Story: Chapter 4

The toys slowly come out of their hiding places. They look at the bed and walk toward it.

"What is up there?" asks Stoney.

"Hardon," Al calls out. "Who's up there with you?"

Suddenly, a disgruntled Hardon comes out from under the bed. All the toys are surprised.

"Hardon?" Stoney asks. "What are you doing under the bed?"

Hardon shakes his head. "Uh, nothing," he says as he zips up his jeans and wipes his hands. "The kids probably had too much ice cream and cake. It's just a mistake."

Potato Head chuckles. "Well, that mistake," he begins. "Is sitting in your spot."

Hardon shakes his head. "Then you should be up there in my spot, you worthless bitch."

Al shocked, "Have you been replaced?"

Hardon smiles. "No one is getting replaced. Now let's all be polite and give this thing a great big welcome." Hardon pulls out a shotgun out of his pocket and climbs on the bed.

When Hardon is on the bed, he sees it. The toy was standing tall. It was bigger than Hardon in size. It was a man in a spacesuit. He was standing tall. There were buttons everywhere on this suit. Suddenly, the man moved and Hardon stepped back.

The man was looking around. _This place is unfamiliar, _he thought. _This gay planet has pictures of this Twilight thing everywhere._

He pressed a button on his arm and spoke into it. "Queer Command on the Straight. Can you read me?" No answer. "Queer Command of the straight. Can you hear me?" He gave up. "Why won't they answer?" As he turned around, he saw gasped. "My shit!" He ran toward a box that he came with, a Ben Affleck movie called Jersey Girl.

He looked at it. "Blast!" he said as he looked at the organized DVD case of the garbage movie. "This thing is in even worse shape than it was." He pressed the button on his arm again and talked into it. "Butt Lightbeer, commander of Section Green And Yellow. I have encountered a strange planet. The impact must have impacted me from gay ejaculation hyper-sleep."

Butt jumps on the bed a few times and condoms spring out everywhere. "The atmosphere in this world is stable. I don't know if this air is breathable. There seems to be no sign of intelligent life anywhere..."

As he finished saying this, Hardon comes in front of Butt. "Hello?"

Butt, surprised, gets out a pistol from his pocket and aims it at Hardon. "Hold it!"

Hardon screams as Butt shoots him in the face and Hardon goes down. After a few seconds of silence, Butt goes back to talking to his arm.

"Like I said, there is no INTELLIGENT life anywhere."

Hardon gets up from his bed, with a huge bullet wound in the face, still smiling. "Hello?"

Butt turns to Hardon and gets out his gun. "Whoa, sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. My name is... my name is... my name is Slim Sha... I mean Hardon. And this is Andy's room. That's all I have to say." Butt puts down his gun. "And there seems to be a mix-up. This is my spot. On the bed here..."

Butt looks at Hardon's badge. "Local drunken Irishman. You must be the leader of this gay planet. I am Butt Lightbeer, gay ranger, Leader of the Anti Ben Affleck movies. I'm here because I crashed here by mistake."

Hardon nods. "Yes," he says. "It's a mistake. Because you landed on my spot...."

Butt interrupts. "I need to fix my shit. Do you have any tools?"

Hardon shrugs. "Well, we got double-Ds."

Butt is about to say something but he gasps. "Enemies!" He tackles Hardon down on the wet bed and gets out his pistol. "Who goes there..." Butt starts but accidentally fires at one of the toys. The Hunter S. Thompson doll gets shot in the face.

The toys, which were looking at the new toy, freeze.

"Don't shoot," Al shouts. "We're friends."

Butt looks at Hardon. "Do you know these people?"

Hardon coughs. "Yes," he answers, spitting semen out of his mouth. "They're Andy's toys."

Butt stands up and goes toward the other toys. "Okay," he says. "You are free to come up." He puts away his pistol.

The toys walk toward his as Butt says, "I am Butt Lightbeer. I come in peace."

Suddenly, his gun misfires and hits a Martin Luther King Jr. poster that has been hung on the wall.

Al Gore shakes Butt's hand. "Oh, I'm so glad you're not an important human being."

Butt smiles and tells them, "Thank you for your kind words."

Al looks a red button on Butt's suit. "Say, what's that button do?"

Butt smiles. "I'll show you."

He presses the red button and it says the following words. "WHAT THE FU-"

The room explodes. There is fire everywhere and a shadowy figure comes in front of the toys.

"Hello." It said. "I AM SATAN!"

Suddenly, the room went back to normal, no damage done.

"WOW!" All the toys exclaimed.

Stoney shouted. "Hardon's got something like that. His is a pull string."

Hardon held the string behind his back as Potato Head said, "Yeah. It sounds like the gay parade ran over it.. If you think about it, he jerks off too much to that string."

Pork asks, "So, where are you from? Hasbro?"

Butt shook his head. "No. I'm in an organization where gays are allowed anywhere but we have to protect them from the evil Emperor Swingbothways, enemy from the galactic alliance."

Silence.

Potato Head said. "Oh yeah? I'm from Preschool."

Al: "And I'm from Mattel. Well, it's not Mattel, though. I was made at a crappy place around the world called Canada."

Hardon has had enough. "Okay, everyone. I'm sure that everyone is impressed of Andy's new gay."

Butt is confused. "Gay.

Hardon turns to Butt. "G-A-Y! Gay!"

Butt chuckles. "No, I'm sure the term you're looking for is gay ranger."

Hardon retorts. "The word that I'm looking for... I can't say it. Because there are probably little kids reading this."

Potato Head: "Getting a little jealous, aren't you, Hardon?"

Stoney touches a button on Butt's arm and a red laser comes out of it and hits a sex toy, tearing it into pieces. Butt warns Stoney, "Please be careful. You don't want to touch my gaydar."

Potato Head is surprised. "A gaydar? How come you don't have a gaydar, Hardon?"

Hardon is frustrated. "It's not a gaydar, it's... a little bit of special effects."

Potato Head chuckles. "The jealous type."

Al asks. "Mr. Lightbeer, I have a question. What does a gay ranger actually do?"

Butt is about to answer the question but Hardon interrupts. "He's not a gay ranger! He doesn't have any colors on him or shoot lasers and fly!"

Butt smiles. "Excuse me." He presses a red button on his chest and wings, devil wings, come out of the sides.

The toys are surprised. "WOW! That's amazing!"

Hardon can't believe this. "Why? Why? These are plastic!" He touches one of the wings but removes it away when his hand starts bleeding. "He can't fly."

Butt retorts, "I've been in the gay alliance for a decade and I can fly."

Hardon: "No. You can't."

"Yes, I can."

"You can't"

"I can."

"Can't. Can't. CAN'T!"

"I could fly with my eyes closed."

"Okay, My. Lightbeer, Prove it."

"Alright. Then I will." With that, Butt pushes Hardon out of the way. He walks towards the edge of the bed and gets ready to jump. The toys watch with interest as Hardon rolls his eyes.

Butt looks down on the ground, which is filled with toys, condoms and Ben Affleck posters. He closes his eyes and says, "To Uranus and to come!" He jumps off the bed.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

A hospital visit and a near death experience later, Butt walks toward Hardon. Butt shrugs his shoulders. Hardon smiles.

"Well," Hardon stares at Butt. "Say that you can't."

Butt chuckled and, without warning, kicks Hardon between the legs. Hardon winces and holds his crotch, as he falls face down on the bed. Butt kicks him and says, "Can."

The toys all over the room is cheering. Everyone was amazed.

Hardon winced, as he began to get up. "That wasn't amazing! That was what happens to a gay guy if he doesn't want to be gang banged more times than Paris Hilton!"

Al Gore exclaimed. "WOW! THAT WAS GREAT!"

"The R. Kelly doll can really go hard on you," Potato Head said. "Do you have any tips?"

Hardon walked beside Stoney, just to hear him laugh and say, "Hey, what a wonderful kind of day."

Hardon looked at him and said, "Oh, shut the fuck up. This is all going to be over in a matter of weeks." All the toys are crowding around Butt. "They'll see. They'll see. I'm still Andy's favorite boy toy."

* * *

A few days later, Hardon was in a toy box with bunch of old forgotten toys. It was the next morning when Hardon had gotten out of the box.

"Thanks for the blow job!" Hardon called as he slowly closed the box. "I hope you get your career back!"

"No problem!" called back the Ben Affleck doll.

Hardon turned to see Butt talking to Stoney and Al Gore. "So, one night," Butt starts. "I was woken up to see Andy turning me upside down and jerk me off. Then, he puts this sticky glue on my feet."

Stoney and Al are amazed when Butt shows them his cum filled feet. "Wow!" Al exclaims. "With permanent cum too!"

Butt puts his foot down and says. "Well, I better get back to work." Butt walks away, leaving cum footprints as he walked.

Hardon looks under his feet, only to see crisps of dry semen under it.

"You're jealous, aren't you?" a voice behind him asked.

Hardon quickly put his foot down, only to see Ho Peep behind him. "Jealous of what? Ho?"

Ho looked at him. "I know Andy has favored Butt over you but everyone has a place in the room. Just like you."

As she said this, Potato Head heard the conversation and walked past them, saying, "Yeah. Like back in the toy graveyard with Heath Ledger!" He chuckled.

Hardon had enough and walks away. "All right. That's it!" He grabs an object and look for Butt.

Butt is working on fixing his shit, with the toy robot and toy snake assisting him.

"Get me that human ectoplasm that always so tasty and useful." He told them.

The toy robot says to the snake: "Mr. Lightbeer wants more semen." The snake reaches for one of Andy's "wet" underwear and squeezes it into a cup.

Just then, Hardon, with something behind his back, pulls Butt aside.

"Now you listen to me, bitch. This is Andy's room. And no one, except that hot 22 year old Asian girl next door, is going to take him away from me."

Butt is confused. "What the fuck are you talking about?" Then he called out to ask, "Where's that ectoplasm?" before going to work on his shitty movie.

Hardon pulls Butt back to him. "And another thing, stop with this gay ranger thing. It's getting on my nerves."

Butt faces him. "Are you telling me you have a problem with my job?"

Hardon rolls his eyes. "Oh, well. Who else? So, your job requires blowing?"

Butt is furious. "Don't fucking think about it, hillbilly."

Hardon screams, "Oh, yeah? Tough guy?" And with that, he pulls out the object that he's hiding behind his back. It's a DVD case of the movie, "State of Play".

Butt gasps, as he falls down on the ground. He's choking and he's grabbing Hardon's knees. Hardon is looking around the room, quite deadpan as this incident, this quite horribly dramatic incident, is happening. Butt calms down as he realizes something:

"Wait. Russell Crowe is the star of that movie." Butt gets up and faces Hardon. "How dare you show me a good Ben Affleck movie in an uncharted planet. My eyeballs could have been sucked out of their sockets." With that, Butt slaps Hardon on the face.

Hardon laughs. "So, you think you're the real Butt Lightbeer? And all this time, I thought it was just an act." He calls out to the room. "Hey guys! Look! It's the real Butt Lightbeer!"

Butt remains serious. "You're mocking me, aren't you?"

Hardon mimics, "You're mocking aren't you? Oh no, no, no." He turns to leave, when he suddenly turns and points behind Butt. "Butt, look! Clay Aiken!"

Butt turns behind him, pistol in hand. "Where?"

Hardon laughs, as Butt realizes it's a joke and turns back to Hardon. Hardon is on the floor laughing and Butt is ready to kick his ass.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Suddenly, from a bedroom window, there is laughter outside, evil laughter. Stoney, scared, hides under the bed.

Hardon looks to the window and sighs. "Uh oh."

Stoney peeks out of the bed, whispering, "It's Sid."

The toys go to the window. Al Gore is concerned. "I thought he was in gay camp!"

Pork replied, "He probably got kicked out again for masturbating to Mariah Carey. I mean, that video where she was naked in the pool, I would spend all night jerking off."

The toys finally made it to the window when they heard Sid yell, "In cumming!"

They saw the backyard. Sid's backyard was unclean. It was full of porno magazines, sex videotapes, needles and used condoms everywhere. Sid entered the backyard, fully nude. His penis was pretty small and he "pumped" it up by using some sort of device. He picked up an object and put it on the ground.

Al asked, "What is he doing?"

Hardon squinted. "I can't see anything." He picks up a pair of binoculars that are beside him. He sees the object. "Oh no. It's a blow up doll of Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."

Butt comes into the picture. "What the hell is going on?"

Hardon smirked. "Nothing that concerns you. Just us toys."

Butt took half of the binoculars. "Then I should take a look." A few seconds later, Butt asked, "Why is this rubber person wearing no pants."

Hardon retorted. "It's a doll."

"He sure is a hairy fella."

Hardon shook his head. "No, that Sid's penis, you idiot." He held up the binoculars to see Sid's face. "That is Sid."

What they saw was a teenager with no clothes and a big dick.

Al yells, "He fucks toys! Just for fun!"

Butt is angry. "We have to do something!" He then goes on the edge on the windowsill.

Ho Peep is shocked. "What are you doing? Get down from there!"

Butt yells, "I'm going to teach this guy a lesson."

Ho Peep sighs. "It's better to watch the beauty of his art."

The toys watch helplessly as they watch Sid gets behind the Carlton doll. Sid puts his dick in the doll's behind. In and out. In and out. The doll is beginning to get bigger.

"HIT THE DECK!" Hardon yells, as the toys duck for cover.

There is an explosion, followed by the sound of cum sprayed absolutely everywhere.

They heard Sid yell, "THAT FAGGOT'S GONE! HE'S HISTORY!"

The toys got up to see that the doll had exploded and it was "raining" cum. Sid was cheering, although his penis was bleeding quite heavily.

Butt sighed in defeat. "I could have stopped him."

Hardon laughed. "Butt, I would love to see you try. Of course, I also wanted you to end up like Richard Simmons like that Carlton doll just was."

Ho Peep sighed. "The sooner we move, the better." She said, while licking semen from her hand.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

One evening came. Andy was playing with Hardon and Butt. Butt's hand was under the front of Hardon's pants, making an up and down motion. Andy's was just about to enjoy it even more when his mom came into the room.

"Hey," she said. "Since we're almost done with the move, I thought we could go to, I don't know, Porno Planet?"

Andy was surprised. "Porno Planet? Oh cool!" he shouted before throwing Butt on top of Hardon and leaving the room. The toys got up, with Hardon getting Butt's hand out of his pants, and went their separate ways. Hardon was overhearing the conversation between Andy and his mom.

"Can I fuck a few toys with me?" Andy asked.

"You can fuck one toy." She answered.

"Just one?" Andy asked, sadly.

Hardon was shocked and whispered, "One toy?" He then looked at Butt, who was currently licking Hardon's cum off his hand.

Hardon turned away and sniffed some cocaine. Then he saw an 8-ball.

He picked it up. "Will Andy fuck me?" he shook it and saw the answer: Don't count on it.

Hardon yelled. "Don't count on it?!" Like a baby, he threw the ball behind him, hitting Butt, who flew outside of the window.

The toys ran to the window. "BUTT!" Hardon ran to it first.

"Butt!" he yelled, before seeing Butt drop out of sight, into a pile of bushes.

As the other toys went to the window, Hardon backed away.

Stoney yelled, "I can't see him! I think he fell into Sid's yard!"

Al screamed, "NO! BUTT!"

Something caught Potato Head's eye and saw a toy mime trying to say something.

"Hey, look! Mr. Bean is trying to tell us something!"

Stoney shook his head. "Um, that's Charlie Chaplin."

Potato Head shrugged. "Who cares? Playing charades with either of them will be entertaining!"

The Chaplin doll pointed to Hardon and pointed to the 8-Ball.

Potato Head said, "I think he knows what happened. Someone knocked Butt out thought that window... but who?"

The Chaplin doll went up and Hardon and pointed.

"Who could it be?" Potato Head wondered, taking off his moustache and scratching it.

The Chaplin doll jumped up and down, as he is still pointing at Hardon.

"I guess we will never know who pushed Butt out the window. I guess it's one of nature's greatest mysteries." Al Gore sighed.

Chaplin had enough. He snapped. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? ARE YOU IDIOTS ACTUALLY MORONS? IT WAS HARDON WHO PUSHED BUTT OUT! JESYS CHRIST! YOU FUCKING PEOPLE ARE FUCKING IDIOTS!" As he walked away, Chaplin smiled and said, "Thanks for listening."

Potato Head shrugged, "So, it was Hardon. I never would have guessed."

All the toys looked at Hardon, who shook his head. "Oh, come on. You really don't think I would mean to push Butt out the window, do you? Potato Head?"

"That's Potato Head to you, you Creed junkie!"

Hardon laughed. "Oh, it was an accident. You gotta believe me."

Stoney yelled, "We believe you, Hardon." All the toys looked at Stoney, who looked at Al Gore. "Right, Al?"

Al was scared. "I don't like confrontations! This is 2000 all over again!"

Suddenly, Nash, the soldier, comes out of nowhere and yells at Hardon. "YOU FUCKING DOUCHE! YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE! IF I WASN'T THE SIZE OF WEE-MAN FROM JACKASS, I WOULD KICK YOUR ASS!" Since Nash was Canadian, Hardon had no problem kicking him, literally, out of the room.

Potato Head pushed him. "So, you push Butt out because you were jealous he was taking over since he got here!" Hardon looked behind him and saw that he was at the edge of the window. "What happens if Andy starts fucking with me, huh? Are you going to knock me out of the window too?"

Hardon rolled his head and laughed at the question but stopped when Pork got a knife and went next to Hardon. "I don't think we should give him a chance."

Suddenly, the Canadian soldiers surrounded Hardon with guns and grenades. The rest of the toys were saying, "KILL! KILL! KILL!"

Nash, whose face is smashed up, pointed at Hardon and yelled, "Fire at will!"

The soldiers look at Nash, confused. One of the soldiers said, "Who is Will? This guy's name is Hardon!"

Nash looked at him, went to the soldier, took his gun and smashed it into the owner's face. "NOW GO DIG YOU FUCKING GRAVE!" The soldier nodded, as he got a shovel and went to the toy graveyard, digging his grave between Heath Ledger and Brittany Murphy.

Nash yelled to the other soldiers, "Ready! Aim!"

But just as the soldiers were about to go 2pac on Hardon, they heard Andy's voice.

"Wait, Mom! I have to go get Butt!"

With this, all the toys went back into their positions, with no Butt.

Andy was back in the room, puzzled that Butt wasn't there with Hardon.

"Mom, have you seen Butt?" he asked, looked under his bed. She replied no.

While Andy was looking for Butt, Hardon looked at Potato Head and Pork. Potato Head held a belt that was tied in a noose. Pork held up a picture of David Carradine. Hardon was scared when he saw these images.

Andy's mom yelled, "Andy, I'm getting out the door!"

Andy complained, "I can't find Butt anywhere."

"Take another toy with you, come on!"

Andy sighed, "Okay." Taking Hardon with him.

Andy walked outside towards the car, head down, gloomy. "I couldn't find my Butt. I looked everywhere I can't find it."

Mother saying, "You'll find it, you'll see."

Butt was in the bushes looking around. Peeking out, he saw Andy go towards the car, holding Hardon.

Butt was furious. "I let my hand down your pants and this is how you repay me?"

The car started and Butt went towards it. He was about to jump but the exhaust pipe sucked him in.

Butt sighed as the car drove away.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Back at the house, the toys were trying to find Butt through the window. They put together a string of red plastic monkeys to lower down to rescue Butt. There was only one problem with this plan.

Stoney called out, "It's too short! We need more monkeys!"

Al cried out, "There aren't any more! That's the whole barrel!" Al showed them the empty monkey barrel and then threw it at a George W. Bush doll.

Stoney, Butt and some other toys ran to the window to check for any sign of Butt.

"Butt," Al called out. "The monkeys aren't working! We are getting the Tommy Lee doll to help us out a little since he's 'long'!"

Al cried while smoking pot. "Oh, where could he... HOLY SHIT! Those clouds look amazing!"

It was dark back at Andy's car. They didn't get to Porno Planet yet but they had to go to the gas station first. They parked in front of some gas tanks. Andy and his mom got out of the car, leaving Hardon behind.

"This place has bad movies we can borrow. How about you pick one?" Andy's mom asked.

"How about Super Mario Bros?" Andy asked.

Andy's mom shrugged. "Well, I did say bad movies but I guess we can let the occasional abortions slide pass us. I mean, we did buy Kazaam."

Andy nodded. "Yep. Yep, yep, yep."

They were gone and Hardon sighed. He knew that when he got home, the other toys would screw him over faster than when Adam Sandler made Little Nicky.

"What am I going to say to the other toys about Butt?" Hardon sighed, as he closed his eyes.

Suddenly, something crashed through the window and Hardon stood up to see what it was. The figure was a toy, with a used condom on its face, and it looked pissed off.

"Butt!" Hardon yelled with delight. "Ha! You're alive! This is great! Ah! I'm safe! I'm safe! Andy will find you here and you can tell..." Hardon is saying this while taking off the condom off Butt's face and putting it over a Paris Hilton doll. "The other toys that this was all just a big mistake." He puts his hands on Hardon's shoulders, smiling. "Right? Butt, buddy?"

Butt finally spoke. "Even though you tried to fuck me, fucking back is no figure on my planet."

Hardon sighed. "Oh. Well, that's good."

Butt whispered, "But we're not on my planet." Than he pulled Hardon to his helmet. "Are we?"

Hardon answered, "No?"

Butt got something behind his back: A tissue. He then put it over Hardon's face. Hardon struggled to breathe because it was a roofie. Hardon fainted and Butt threw him out of an open window. Butt followed suit.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Hardon woke up a few minutes later. He was about to get up but a strong force knock him back down on the ground. Hardon looked up to see that Butt was standing on him.

Hardon was just about to say something else when he heard a familiar voice: Andy.

"Porno Planet! Yea!" he yelled, as he got into the car with his mother. Hardon struggled to get Butt off of him but the car drove away. Hardon got out his gun and shot Butt and tried to run to Andy's car but it was too late. The car had disappeared down the highway.

Hardon walked a bit further and stopped. "Doesn't he know that I'm not there?" He gasps. "I'm lost!" He cries as he falls on his knees. "I'm a lost boy!"

While Hardon is crying a river, Butt talks into his cell phone he picked up from a random car. "This is Butt Lightbeer. We have been left behind like a gay guy in China Town. We will start the destruction of Earth and its whiny bitches in exactly one minute."

Hardon, pissed, runs to Butt. "YOU!"

Suddenly, they stop to see a huge truck slowly coming to them. Butt runs away while Hardon, like a moron, falls in his neutral position. Now, the truck driver is drunk and the truck has no brakes. In conclusion, the laughing drunken trucker runs over Hardon's body, making it misshapen. The driver than crashes into a gas tank and the whole station blows up.

Hardon gets up in time to see the explosion. "Whew! Good thing I'm indestructible." Just when he says this, there is another explosion and a gas leak that is in Hardon's way, catches on fire and so does Hardon.

Hardon screams like Richard Pryor and he goes into a puddle to stop the fire. Seconds later, he slowly walks away, backwards. There is silence only for it to be interrupted by Butt talking on the phone.

"According to navigation portions of..." He talked on the phone and Hardon jumped as he heard his voice.

Hardon interrupted Butt. "Shut up. Just shut up, you faggot!"

Butt hung by the phone and threw it aside. "Now isn't a time to panic."

Hardon disagreed. "This is a perfect time to panic! I'm lost, Andy is gone. They're going to move out of the house when this fanfiction story is about to end and it's all your fault!"

Butt is shocked. "My fault! You and your ball pushed me out of the window!"

Hardon rolled his eyes and said, "Aw, yeah? Well, you and your stupid gay alliance, Ben Affleck loving, dramatic turds crash landed on everything that was important to me..."

Butt slapped him. "Don't talk to me about importance! Because of you, this whole universe is in jeopardy!"

Hardon was confused and yelled, "What! What are you talking about?"

Butt walked away from Hardon and looked at the night sky. The sky came with the moon, which was yellow.

"Sometimes," Butt started. "I dream... about cheese. Back to my life story. At the edge of the galaxy, Matt Damon is making the most amazing movies ever created. If he makes another good Bourne movie, it will annihilate the entire planet. I alone, must stop this person from making good movies, only SPAGETTI!" Butt points an angry finger at Hardon. "And you, my friend, are responsible for making Stuck On You possible!"

There was silence.

Hardon screams, "YOU. ARE. A. JOKE! You aren't the real Butt Lightbeer! You're just an action figure! You a child's stickjob!"

Butt stares at Hardon for a moment and shakes his head. "You are a sad strange little boy. You have my word. Farewell." And with that, Butt gives Hardon the finger before walking away.

Hardon yells back, "Oh yeah, you big baloney fu.. dammit he can't hear me." Hardon walks away, leaving ashy footprints behind him.

Hardon walks away from under the bunch of car and whispers to himself. "Gay ass ranger." He was trying to find his way home when he saw a car. But it wasn't any old car. This one had two nipples on the top of the car.

Hardon knew what it meant. "Porno Planet! Andy!" He ran for the car but then he stopped. "Oh, no. I can't go back without Butt." He ran back to under the cars and yelled at Butt.

"Butt!" he yelled. "Butt! You gotta see this!"

Butt kept walking away. "Go away!"

Hardon didn't give up. "No, you have to see this. It's…" Hardon's voice trailed off as he saw something on the side of the Porno Planet truck. It was a promotional picture for a movie. It wasn't just a movie. It was State of Play aka The Only Decent Movie With Ben Affleck from 2000-2009.

"Ben Affleck's new movie is there!" Hardon called out. He saw Butt stop walking and turn around.

Hardon yelled again, "It's Ben Affleck, Butt!"

Butt smiled.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Hardon and Butt were looking at the Porno Planet truck. Butt was glad to see Ben Affleck but he was a little concerned.

"I told you it was a Ben Affleck movie." Hardon told him.

"Yes," Butt started. "Only you're showing me a decent Ben Affleck movie in this decade!"

"Don't you want to go see him in a new movie?" Hardon asked.

Butt shrugged. "Yes, but at least the guy from Pearl Jam has a starring role in the movie! Now let's go!" As he said this, Butt ran to the truck, where the driver has in the car arguing with a gas attendant.

"I'm telling you! Someone ordered $700 dollars worth of porn!" The driver said.

The gas attendant shook his head. "I never did. I'm a Christian."

The driver was uncaring. "So what? I'm Jewish. Do I use my religion to make excuses?"

While this was going on, Butt was in the car without the driver's notice. The driver had finished his argument and was getting ready to drive away. Hardon was rushing to get in the car. He went behind the car and went through the back window, which smashed his ass so hard, he flew in the back seat.

Hardon was in the car and saw Butt in front of him in another seat, seat belt tucked.

Hardon smirked. "He's wearing a seat belt. What an idiot!"

Suddenly, the car went into full speed. Hardon flew all the way into the back of the car. _Is this Hell? _he asked himself.

With the car going 200 mph. Hardon couldn't get up by any means possible. This car had the need for speed!

Suddenly, the car went up a steep hill, prompting a huge treasure chest to slide towards Hardon. Hardon screamed as the chest flew right near him.

Hardon sighed with relief just as the chest opened and it was filled with guns that flew right towards Hardon. They all shot themselves to Hardon.

_Now I know how Selena felt._ Hardon thought.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

The car pulled up into the parking lot of Porno Planet. The building consisted of a pair very tall lady's legs and, due to an explosion involving a water engine, there was water leaking between the legs, which were the entrance.

The driver got out of the car and went into the building. Butt, meanwhile, took off his seatbelt and heard a strange noise coming from behind him. He got up to check it out, knowing full well who was there.

"Hardon?" he called. "Are you alright?"

Hardon got up from about four hundred cases of bullet shells, looking like he had been shot at every time. Hardon smiled and nodded, as he fell back down into the shells.

Butt shook his head. "You look like Jennifer Lopez's movie career. We need to get in between those legs without anyone detecting us. But how?"

Hardon slowly got up, only he was covered in something from head to toe. Due to the temporary pain he was experiencing, he didn't notice he was covered in anything. It was crispy and smelt like crap. That's right. It was a used condom.

Butt smiled and nodded. "Great idea, Hardon. I like your thinking."

Hardon shrugged. "Now if you will excuse me, there's a transvestite doll I'm currently 'doing business' with.

A voice called from under Hardon. "But I'm not a tranny!"

Hardon shrugged as bent toward the doll. "Well, Fergie, you could've fooled me!"

A shot of morphine for Hardon later, Butt and Hardon were covered in two separate condoms. They ran through the entrance, slipping and falling on the water that was leaking in the building. Soon, the water reactivated the dry semen.

"AAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Hardon screamed. "It's in my mouth!"

Butt shrugged as the semen slid in his mouth. They tried to find somewhere where they could take off their condoms. Finally, they went behind to game machines since people were disturbed to see walking condoms go by them. Butt and Hardon took off their condoms and Butt went forward to see the entirety of Porno Planet.

Porno Planet: dirtiest place of Earth! There were sexual games everywhere. The Sex Game, where a person shot 'lasers' into a 'hole'. Another place was the 'refreshments', where a girl got a free drink from inside an alien penis. Then there was another popular game: Wilt Chamberlain.

Butt was excited. "What a spaceporn! Good work, Hardon."

Hardon shook his head but then heard a familiar voice. He looked from in between the game machines and saw Andy and his mom, who silently abandoned her baby son in her stroller

Andy was jumping up and down. "Can we go see the 3-D movie, 'Looking' Inside Paris Hilton? Please, please, please?"

Hardon was excited. "Andy!"

Butt was still in the Porno Planet business. "There must be a way to go to my home planet from here. There has got to be a rocket." Butt was about to step out of the machines but Hardon took him away.

"It's this way!" They ran through machines, with Hardon trying to find Andy. "I just saw it!"

"Is it a hyper ejaculation?" Butt asked.

Hardon looked outside the machines and saw Andy coming in their direction and answered, "Hyper ejaculation AND hyper speed."

Butt turned away from Hardon, confused. "Well, it doesn't sound like Ron Jeremy…" he stopped when he saw something.

A rocket was right in front of him. Well, technically it was a claw game, shaped like a rocket but that was enough for Butt to say, "SPACESHIP!" and run off toward it.

Hardon didn't notice Butt leave. "Get ready. And when I count to three, we'll jump in Andy's mom big a… BUTT!" He called as he saw Butt disappear into the spaceship. Hardon frustrated, turned back to Andy and his mother, whom passed by him, therefore missing his chance to be with them.

Hardon looked at the spaceship. "This cannot be happening to me." Angrily, Hardon stormed towards the spaceship, but while he even got halfway, he was kicked hard, sending him flying into a public washroom…for men.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Butt was in the spaceship. He climbed over a wall and landed into a pile of dolls. Not just any dolls, Keanu Reeves dolls, all of them wearing black trench coats and black sunglasses. They all stopped from doing nothing and stared at Butt.

"Whoa. An alien!" shouted one doll.

"Like, from another planet!" another doll shouted, with an uncontrolling voice.

Cue all aliens in a whisper. "Whoa."

Butt smiled and held his hands up, to reveal no weapons. "I am Butt Lightbeer. I cum in piece." All the Keanu dolls went up to Butt.

Meanwhile, Hardon came out of the men's washroom and pulled up his pants and put up his zipper. As he did this, he yelled, "You're the second tranny I screwed tonight! Thanks for the good time!"

The voice called back from the washroom. "I'm not a transvestite!"

Hardon called back. "Well, you look like one! See you later, Hanna Montana!" Hardon scratched his head. Who was I looking for?" He saw the spaceship and remembered. He climbed inside.

As he went in, he heard Butt's voice. He climbed to see Butt talking to a bunch of Keanu dolls.

Butt was currently talking to the dolls. "And that's how I knew the Jack from Will and Grace was gay. Who is in charge?"

The dolls pointed up. "The claw, dude." Butt and Hardon looked up and saw a huge claw, which was attached by a picture of an 30-something Asian schoolgirl. The claw was between her legs.

"The claw tells who goes and who stays." One doll says.

"We were told this by a big black bald fellow who was with us in three of our movies, man."

Hardon shook his head. "Well, if they believe Constantine was going to be a good movie, they'll believe anything."

Suddenly, he heard a terrifying voice call from outside the ship. "Hey, come on! Squeal like a pig!" Hardon turned and saw who it was.

Sid, was outside, screwing ANOTHER blow up doll, but it was a Porno Planet game. The blow up doll this time was Lil' Wayne. Well, it WAS Lil' Wayne but he exploded, making Sid's penis bleeding furiously.

Sid, licking his blood, went toward the ship.

Hardon was terrified. "OH, NO! SID!" And with that, he pushed Butt into the dolls, hiding him and Butt under the many Keanu dolls, making both of them unseen.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Sid made his way to the rocket machine. He fished out a couple of coins in order to play the game.

Meanwhile, Hardon and Butt were deep beneath the Keanu dolls, both figures angry at each other.

Butt: "What the Hell are you doing? I was making contact with these people…"

Hardon retorted by saying, "You are getting advice from toy actors that can't control their voices, let alone act like their characters are believable."

One of the Keanus interrupted their conversation and shouted, "Dude. The claw. It moves." He pointed and Hardon and Butt saw the claw move. It began reaching down toward the dolls. The picture of the girl moaned every time it moved. The claw took a few minutes to get a doll and finally got one.

"I have been chosen." It informed everyone, as it was being pulled up. "Farewell, my friends. I move on to a better place."

As the doll finished saying that most ironic sentence in this fanfiction, Sid whispered, "I'm going to make you watch The Jonas Brothers 3-D concert later." (see, I told you Sid knew something about torturing toys) Suddenly, Sid looked shocked to see what else was in the spaceship.

"A Butt Lightbeer! No way!" Apparently, the Keanu doll that had been lifted had exposed Butt out in the open."

Meanwhile, Hardon had looked for an escape route. He looked around and found an glass exit patch near the bottom of the rocket. Pushing the Keanu dolls out of the way, Hardon went to it. He managed to open it, using his fist. A now hand bloodied Hardon went back to get Butt.

The claw was now attached to Butt, about to pull him up. Hardon gasped, as he went to get him, grabbing him by the feet and dragging him down, which frustrated Sid.

"Hey!" he yelled, smashing the glass, making his hand bleed. "If I wanted to see toys go up and down in claw machines, I would have become a pedophile!"

Hardon was close to getting Butt out of the ship but the Keanu dolls had other plans.

"He has been chosen, Dude!"

"He has to go up there, Dude!"

"Watch The Day The Earth Stood Still, man!"

As they were talking, the dolls knocked Hardon back into the ship, the claw pulling Butt up and Hardon with it. Hardon argued with the dolls.

"He has not been chosen, he's a worthless toy! He does not have to go up there! FUCK NO, I WILL NOT WATCH THAT MOVIE!"

The claw had pulled both toys up, both being completely motionless.

Sid saw this and had a full on bloody erection. "Alright, double prizes!"

He picked up the toys from the machine, both in each hand.

"Let's go home and 'play'." He laughed, as sex music surrounded his evil laughter.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Sid had skateboarded home, with Hardon, Butt and the Keanu doll from earlier. With the small hole in Sid's bag, the toys could see outside.

Butt saw Andy's house. "I could see the house. We could make it. Maybe…"

Hardon was frustrated. "You don't get it, do you? This is Sid we are talking about! Once we go into this house, we won't be cumming out!"

Butt was confused. "Don't you mean coming…?"

They were already in Sid's house. Sid called out, "Hanna! Hey Hanna!"

A girl, possibly 12, heard his call. She was playing with a Jessica Simpson doll.

"Did I get a package in the mail."

Hanna shrugged. "I don't know."

Sid was angry. "Bitch, what do you mean you don't know."

Hanna clarified, "I don't know. Why do you have to be so controlling?"

Sid slapped her. "Hey, who told you you could ask questions?" There was a pause. "Oh no, Hanna.."

Hanna looked puzzled. "What?"

Sid took the Jessica Simpson doll. "It's Jessica! She's sick! Now I have to take her to my 'operation' room!" And with that, Sid went up stairs to his room, Hanna running up to catch him and save her doll.

Hardon was scared. "Not Sid's room, not up there."

Sid and the toys were in Sid's room, with Sid locking his door, with Hanna pleading to open the door. He threw his bag on his bed and took out the Keanu doll from it.

Sid went to a dresser that had a mini operation table. He put the skanky looking Simpson doll on it.

"Patient A8TH7 is ready." And with that, he got a knife and carved a hole into the Keanu doll, pulled down his jeans and put his dick in the hole.

"Now, before the operation with Patient A8TH8, this patient is about to be fucked."

Sid shoved his tiny, bleeding wienie in the hole, and Hardon watched in horror, while Butt began to jerk off, impossibly. "This is for making Street Kings!"

Another shove in the hole. "That was for being in Hamlet."

Two more hard shoves. "Those were for the last two Matrix movies." Another one. "That was for The Lake House!"

And then, finally, one more shove that was so hard, the doll's eyes had began to come off, due to the overload of Sid's semen and Sid removed himself from the doll and threw him into a dark corner.

"And that was for not saving Sandra Bullock from making Speed 2."

Sid went back to the Simpson doll, with the same knife in his hand.

A few minutes later, Sid went to the door. "Hanna."

Sid handed the doll back to a sad Hanna, same body but a new head. "ASHLEY Simpson is all better now."

Hanna screamed. "You made her uglier!" And with that, she ran away. "MOM! MOM!"

Sid threw the doll into another dark corner. "She's lying! Whatever she says, it's only half true!"

And with that, Sid slammed the door.

On his penis.

Along with a girl scream.

And then silence.

With some blood on the floor.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Hardon and Butt were alone in the room, in Sid's bag. They looked around. The room was light in an evil blue color. It showed a bunch of torturing objects, including a used condom, every Simple Plan album, the first three seasons of Friends, a Bob Saget action figure and a fictional movie named Toy Story.

Hardon was frightened. "This room is full of evil." With that, he left the bag, along with Butt. "I'm out of here."

He jumped from the bed to a high dresser, which was filled with dildos. He then jumped from there on to the doorknob, trying to turn it.

"Dammit, it locked." He fell down to the ground and looked around the room. "There's got to be another way out of here.

As he began looking around, he heard something. He saw a yo-yo roll toward him and then drop. Hardon picked his nose nervously and he went to the ground to find something to protect himself with. He found an S&M belt and, carefully, began walking around the room in caution.

Suddenly, he heard a noise. Hardon froze. "Uh, Butt? Was that you?"

Butt answered from the bag, "Yea, sorry. Having dry semen slide into your mouth can really do a number on your bowel movements."

Hardon rolled his eyes and saw a shadow in a corner. He looked around and saw a match. Putting the belt down, he picked up the match, along with a lighter found beside it. He lit it and put it in the direction of the shadow. The shadow turned out to show a baby's head.

Hardon was relieved. "Hey there, little buddy. Come out of the shadows, do you know a way out of here?" he asked.

The baby came out of the darkness but Hardon was shocked to see the body of the baby. It was a skeleton. The baby sharply looked at Hardon, who was scared at this point. "Oh no." he whispered. "I'm looking at a dead baby hooker."

Suddenly, he heard noises from across the room. He turned to see other toys come alive. There was a Heath Ledger doll that consistently popping pills without any effect walking around, a white Obama action figure that had a shirt saying "I Love Bush!".

Hardon looked at other various noises that came out of the room. There were two action figures that went into the room closet, who were looking very giddy.

"Let's go into the room closet," said the Harry Potter figure. "I'd like to show you my, ahem, magic wand."

"This is going to be magical," the Draco Malfoy figure told him. "I want to show you my 'Chamber of Secrets'." And with that, they went into the closet.

Freaked out, Hardon ran to the bed to go back into Sid's bag, dropping the light on his way. He than went to Butt, who was on the bed and jumped on Butt's back.

Hardon was stuttering. "BU-BU-BU-BU-BU-BU-BU-BUUUUUTTTTT!!!!"

Butt looked at him, confused. "But what?"

From the bed, the two toys saw the others. The Heath Ledger doll went to a Dr. House doll and both parties proceeded to swallow pills for fifteen seconds.

Jonas Brother dolls, Nick and Joe, were making love to each other, with Kevin lying dead with dolls Patrick Swayze, Dennis Hopper and Gene Wilder.

Another toy that stood out among the group was a Richard Nixon doll, saying, "I am not a crook."

An OJ Simpson doll replied, "Yeah. Okay."

Butt was shocked by all this. "They're celebrities." And with that, Hardon jumped off of Butt and went into the backpack, with Butt following.

Butt talked into his arm while Hardon was cowering like when this fanfiction writer was threatened to stop writing this story due to proving that Dennis Hopper will die in two months. "Queer Command On The Straight, can you hear me? I am going to use excessive force."

And with that, Butt pulled down his suit, only to show his shlong. "Set phasers to rape."

Hardon rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah, if we can't beat them, we can Val Kilmer them to death."


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Next door at Andy's house, the toys were at the window, using a bright flashlight to find Butt in the dark.

They were about to give up when they saw a sudden movement in some bushes.

"I think I see him." Exclaimed Al Gore. "Butt! Is that you?" The bushes had replied by a large bark and a soft meow. "Ledger and Jake! Go do your business somewhere else! We are in the middle of a search and rescue!"

Stoney shook his head. "Butt is dead, dude."

Al sighed. "I know." He turned out the flashlight when Andy's car pulled into the driveway.

The toys watched as Andy and his mom exited the car, with her wiping her mouth and he pulling up his pants. Andy looked around the car.

"Mom, have you seen Hardon?" he asked.

His mom swallowed his semen as she said. "I saw it and I sucked it."

Andy shook his head. "No, I mean my toy."

His mom shrugged. "Well, if you want to call it a toy…oh, Hardon! Well, I haven't seen him."

"Well, he was in the back seats before."

"Well, you should've put it in a better place. Like the baby." And with that, she opened the front of the car and pulled out her baby out of the engine. The baby was bloody but alive.

Andy cried. "I can't find him, Mom! My Hardon's gone!"

Ho Peep was shocked. "His Hardon is gone?"

Potato Head shrugged. "Oh well. He couldn't face the music." And with that, he threw an album by The Used out the window and walked away, along with many other toys.

Al Gore walked away also, pondering. "I don't know why Hardon would do this to himself. It's like the time George W. Bush promised to do a good job during his presidency. This is like that atrocity all over again."

Only Stoney and Ho Peep were at the window.

Ho Peep sighed. "Oh, Stoney. I hope Hardon is alright."

Stonet nodded. "Let's hope he's witnessing anything terrible."


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

The next morning arrived and things were already happening next door at Sid's house.

"Oh, a survivor, eh?" Sid shouted. "Where is your double base? Talk!" And with that, he got Hardon and tied him to a mini chair. "I see your will is strong." And with that, he got a cassette, because DVDs was not invented yet. "Well, there are ways to make you talk."

And with that, Sid made Hardon face a TV and he put in the cassette in the player. The television was turned on and it showed what the cassette was playing: The Chevy Chase Show. Suddenly, Hardon's forehead began smoking and it was if any moment, Hardon would catch fire.

Sid laughed, "Where are your rebel friends now?"

In the distance, his mother called him. "Sid, your Pop Tarts are on fire!"

Sid smiled, "Alright!" And he left the room.

Hardon was still watching the TV screamed. With all him willpower, he burst himself from the ropes and ran. His forehead was burning and he ran to what he thought was a bowl of water. As he put his head n the liquid to cool off, a spark came out of his head and, since the water was actually gasoline for Sid's morning breakfast, proceeded to explode. Hardon flew all the way across the room and against the room door, falling face first.

Butt went toward him. He removed a Brad Renfro sticker from the front of his helmet and a sticker of Dwight Schrute from his butt. Then, helped up a completely burned up Hardon to his feet.

"Are you alright?" he asked the disoriented toy. "I've tried to get hold of Queer Command for the past few hours."

Hardon went to a mirror and saw himself completely black. "I sure hope this isn't permanent."

Butt tried to work the controls on his arm. "Still, no comment from Queer Command. They're probably still trying to get 2pac out of the closet."

Hardon was about to say something to Butt but he saw something that made him stop. "The door! It's open, we're free!"

Butt warned. "Hardon, you don't know what's out there!"

Hardon looked at Butt as he ran. "I'll tell you what's….AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" He turned around to see Sid's toys in front of him, with the skeleton baby leading the pack.

Hardon ran back to Butt and hid behind him. "Butt! They're everywhere! Do something, quick!"

Butt nodded. "Shield your eyes!" And Hardon did just that.

Butt pressed the red button on his arm and, suddenly,

"WHAT THE FU-" And with that, the room exploded.

There is fire everywhere and a large shadow appeared.

"HELLO! I AM SATAN!"

The fire and the Devil never made any of them flinch. The evil illusion was gone, leaving Butt and Hardon confused.

"I don't understand." Butt said as he looked at the red button. "That should have terrified these things. They probably saw something worse, like Monster-In-Law…"

Hardon, frustrated, shook Butt. "GODDAMN IT, YOU IDIOT! YOU'RE A TOY!" Then, he pressed a button a button at the back of Butt. "Use your hand gesture."

One of Butt's arms jerked up and made a fist. It kept going up and down, up and down. Both toys made their way to the door with this motion, making the other toys back away.

Butt, meanwhile, was confused. "Hey, how the Hell are you doing that! Don't stop doing it, it's kind of arousing!"

Soon, they made it to the door.

Hardon laughed at the toys. "Sorry, boys! But dinner, like that horrible show 'Til Death, is cancelled."

And with that, Hardon ran out of the room, leaving Butt behind, who fell flat on his backside.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Hardon was running around the house, trying to find an exit. "There's no place like home!" he whispered under his breath. He saw a flight of stairs and he quickly ran down them… and then he stopped when he saw something that was not only blocking his way but made him still.

He saw a small golden cage but it was still bigger than Hardon himself. However, the cage didn't freak him out though. It was the crow that was inside it. To make matters worse, the cage door was wide open. On the door, there was a name tag: Russell, which, fortunately, was sleeping.

Hardon took the steps back, quietly, not to wake the crow. He made it to the top floor when a hand covered his mouth and jerked him aside.

It was Butt. "Be quiet or you'll get us both killed!"

Hardon removed his hand from his mouth. "Don't tell me what to do, Nixon."

Butt shushed him. He looked at the stairs and saw the sleeping bird. He quickly, yet quietly, ran across the hall. He motioned Hardon to follow suit, which he did. Hardon went on his knees and crawled quietly toward Butt. Hardon saw that he made it and stood up.

Unfortunately, there was a loose nail in the staircase, which pulled Hardon's string as he and Butt walked away. The nail than let go of the string, causing a loud voice to come within him.

"YEEHAW! COME ON, EVERYBODY! WE'RE GOING TO DRINK WHILE COREY HAIM IS STILL DEAD!"

This huge booming voice had caused Russell to wake up and start cawing, angrily. It got out from its cage, flew up the stairs and targeted Hardon and Butt, who saw the crow and were set into action mode.

Butt yelled, "Come on!" and both toys hit the ground, running. Hardon went into a hallway closet and shut the door. Butt, which Russell followed, ran into another room and hid behind the door. Russell entered the room and looked around, trying to find its pray. Just when it was about to leave, it caught sight of a dimly lighted TV set. There was something on it that had caught its eye. The show: Two and A Half Men.

Butt quietly walked slowly toward the dying Russell. The bird had been seizing, vomiting. Its eyes had begun to roll back and it started to shake, violently. Then, Russell died.

_Poor bastard, _Butt thought. _And I thought Hardon suffered with a bad show._

Butt shielded his eyes as he was about to change the channel when a commercial caught his eye.

"CALLING ALL MEMBERS OF THE QUEER COMMAND OF THE STRAIGHT! WE NEED YOUR HELP! ANSWER!"

Butt smiled. "Queer Command!" He was just about to answer his arm but there something interrupted him.

"ANSWER OUT CALL TO GIVE YOU GUYS THE AWARD FOR THE WORST TOY OF ALL TIME!"

Butt was shocked and confused.

"BUTT LIGHTBEER! NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF TOYS HAS AMERICA MADE SUCH A HORRIBLE TOY! THESE TOYS BRING SHAME TO WHAT ACTION FIGURES SHOULD BE LIKE! WITH HORRIBLE SPECIAL EFFECTS THAT WOULD MAKE THE MOVIE TROLL 2 WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE! THESE TOYS WERE SUPPOSED TO APPEAL TO GAYS ALL AROUND THE WORLD! JUST LOOK AT WHAT THESE FAMOUS GAY PEOPLE HAD TO SAY!"

Following were words from famous people:

"_We were supposed to go on tour after almost a decade. But then I got a Butt Lightbeer and it caused us to split up again! I could throw a hissy fit!" –Lance Bass_

"_Suit up." Neil Patrick Harris._

"_Because of this toy, I was involved in Casonova!" Heath Ledger._

"DAMMIT, THAT LAST QUOTE WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE! ALTHOUGH, CASANOVA WAS A PIECE OF SHIT! NOW, HERE'S IS THE MOST IMPORTANT QUOTE FROM THE MOST IMPORTANT GAY PERSON! BEN AFFLECK!"

"_I thought this toy would help me. It only made things worse. I made Daredevil, Gigli, Jersey Girl, Smoking Aces, Elektra, He's Just Not Into You, Paycheck, Pearl Harbor! SURVIVING CHRISTMAS! I MEAN, I COULD FORGIVE THIS TOY FOR ANYTHING ELSE! BUT SURVIVING CHRISTMAS! I NEVER FELT SO DEPRESSED FROM WATCHING A MOVIE SINCE THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM! THAT WAS AN AMAZING MOVIE! WHY COULDN'T I BE LIKE MATT DAMON!? ALL BUTT LIGHTBEERS! READ MY LIPS! I HATE YOU ALL! I HATE YOU ALL! OH! AND HERE'S FOR MAKING ME MAKE REINDEER GAMES!"_

Ben than pulls down his pants and moons his ass on the screen. The screen suddenly turned black but there was still audio, Ben was heard sobbing. "I'M SORRY ! TAKE ME BACK!"

"_BUTT LIGHTBEER! THE WORST THING SINCE ED WOOD? NOT THE MOVIE BUT THE REAL LIFE DIRECTOR! THE WORST THING SINCE THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW? EVEN MORE HORRIBLE AND UNMENTIONABLE THAN THE JAY LENO SHOW?! VOTE NOW AT AL'S GAY BARN! BUTT LIGHTBEER IS NOT A REAL TOY!"_

Throughout the commercial, Butt was crying. His idol hated him.

"BUTT LIGHTBEER: AVAILABLE AT AL'S GAY BARN!"

Butt looked at his arm and saw something he never saw before and it depressed him even more: Made In New Jersey, NJ.

Butt sighed as he walked out of the room.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Butt walked out of the room, with his head down. The song _Boulevard of Broken Dreams _is playing in his head. He continues looking down and walking but is forced to look up when he sees a poster of Ben Affleck on the ground, openly infested with rats chewing on the face. He looked at a poster of Matt Damon beside it, clean and sparkling new. Butt sighed as he kept walking.

He made to the staircase and looked through the railing. He saw an open window on a high wall. He saw a bird flying and crapping in the air, along with the words of an outraged grown man saying, "OH MY GOD! IT 'S IN MY MOUTH!"

Butt sighed at what Hardon told him a while ago. "YOU ARE A GAY, YOU CAN'T FLY!" Butt knew it wasn't exactly what he said but the person reading this fanfiction isn't going to go back through the story in order to find those words.

He thought for a minute. He wasn't going to let a hillbilly get into his way of being ready…ready to fly.

After 400 attempts at climbing the railing up to the upper railing (hey, I don't know what they're called). Butt smiled as he opened his devil wings. He wanted to go outside that window.

He got ready to jump. "To infinity and to come!" And off he went toward the window.

And then he fell.

And the last words he thought of before he hit the ground were: _I should have switched to Geico. _

Then he smashed on a stair, flew through the air and onto the ground floor.

He felt something from himself was missing. He looked at his left side and found he was right.

He gasped to see that his left arm had been separated. But that wasn't what he was gasping at. It was what he was holding.

His left arm was holding a DVD: The Brothers Grimm.

Upset that his arm was holding a movie starring Matt Damon, Butt fainted.

A few seconds later, Hannah came by, calling her mom.

"MOM! MOM! Have you seen the new Miley Cyrus movie I borrowed?" she asked, when she stepped on Butt.

"I think it's in the garbage, did you check there?" her mother called out.

Hannah picked up the pieces of Butt from the floor. "Never mind!"

Meanwhile, Hardon came out of the upstairs closet, his hiding place. He was tangled in Christmas lights and he tripped, a huge ball falling on him.

He stood up and closed the door, before bidding a few toys farewell.

"Bye, guys! Hope you come out of the closet soon!" And with that, he shut the door on Chris Brown's face.

"Come on, Butt! The coast is clear!" Hardon looked around. "Butt, where are you?"

He than heard an electronic voice coming from a room.

"Gay rangers! We're on an Affleck mission! Let's roll!"

Hardon trailed to where the voice came from and that voice followed a girl's voice.

"That's a beautiful story, Miss." Hardon saw an open room door and found that it was a girl's room. The room had pink walls and posters of Ellen, N'Sync and another of the only two Jonas Brothers that matter.

He saw Hannah playing tea time with a few toys around a small table

"Would you like some more tea, Miss Horrible?" Hannah offered to…

"Butt!" Hardon whispered. Butt was wearing a dress with a nurse's hat. He also saw that one of Butt's arms was missing.

Hardon stepped back from the room and used a feminine voice. "Hannah! Oh Hannah!"

Hannah looked up from her tea party and called out, "Dad! Is that you?" She excused herself from the toys. "Excuse me, poor excuses for society, I'll be right back." Butt slumped on his face on the table.

With that, she stood up and left the room. "Dad! I prayed you would come back to us!" And with that, she ran down the stairs.

Hardon quickly ran into Hannah's room.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Hardon saw Butt lying face down on the table. He tried to wake him.

"Butt! Butt! Are you okay?"

Butt suddenly jerked up. "AAAAAHHHHHH! I never felt so…. I WAS in THE zone and I WAS LIKE WHOOOO! SEE YA!" Butt had sounded out of it.

Hardon was concerned. "Butt, what happened?"

Butt didn't care. "I WASSSSSS about to SSSSSaveve the HOLE galaxy! And then, SUDDENLY! I SAW Dumb and DUMBERERER! Horrible movie." He then looked at his empty tea cup. "What da Hell dooo they put IN THIS CRACK!"

Butt pointed to two other toys at the table. "These are the other toys that are joining us! Mr. and Mrs. God-Awful!" The Eddie Murphy and Sinead O'Connor dolls happily waved.

Butt giggled, "These two dared each other to do horrible things! He made her rip up the picture of the Pope while she made him do Norbit, Pluto Nash, Nutty Professor 2, Showtime, Beverly Hills Cop 3, Holy Man and, last but not least, Dr. Doolittle 2."

Hardon looked at the dolls. "I'm not sure Eddie is exactly even with Sinead." Hardon helped Butt get up. "I think that is enough Irish tea for you, Butt. Let's get you out of here."

Hardon helped Butt from the table but not before Butt shouted, "DON'T YOU GET IT! YOU SEE THE HAT? I AM MRS. NES…I MEAN, MRS. HORRIBLE!" And Butt laughed his ass off.

Hardon, impatient, shouted at him. "SNAP OUT OF IT, BUTT!"

Hardon got his broken arm, opened Butt's helmet, smashed his face with his arm and closed back the helmet. Butt stopped laughing.

"You're right," Butt took his arm. "I'm sorry for that Tom Cruise moment." He walked out of the room, with Hardon behind him. "I just hope I can make it…"

Butt fell to the floor. "OH I'M A SHAM!" he cried, as Hardon tried to calm him down. "I CAN'T EVEN FLY OUT OF THE WINDOW!" he used his broken arm to point at the window, which he tried to fly out of earlier.

Hardon looked to it and then looked down the hallway, toward Sid's room. He saw an open window.

"Butt! You're a smart idiot!" he smiled, as he picked up the Christmas lights and dragged Butt to Sid's room with him. "Come on!"

Butt was continuing to cry. "ALL THOSE YEARS OF WATCHING THOSE POLICE ACADEMY MOVIES WASTED!"


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Pork and Potato Head were playing Battleship back at Andy's house. Pork was winning since he had kept Potato Head's hat.

"B-0." Potato Head said.

"Nope," Pork shook his head. "B-1!"

Potato Head was shocked. "OMG! You sunk me! Are you peeking?"

Pork shook his head, while looking at a mirror behind Potato Head. "No, no, impossible!" Potato Head pulled out an ear. "No, no, not the ear… you know what body part I want." He said, slyly.

Potato Head reached between his legs. "How about five out of three?"

Suddenly, at a distance, they heard a voice. "Hey, guys! GUYS! HEY!"

The two toys looked at where the voice was coming from. They saw it was from next door. They saw who was calling them. It was Hardon from Sid's bedroom window.

Pork yelled. "Hey, look! It's Hardon from Norman Bates' bedroom!"

Hardon waved to them. "H-Hi! I'm so high!" he said, possibly from the chemicals being created in Sid's room.

"Hey, look, everyone!" Pork called out. "It's Hardon." And with that, all the other toys gathered to the window to see him.

Meanwhile, Hardon was excited to see the other toys. "We're going to get out of here, Butt!" he didn't hear Butt respond. "Butt?" he called, as he turned to Butt, who was a bit of a mess. He was watching the Chevy Chase show that had been left on from about thirty minutes. He was laughing while he was playing with his arm: a nine-year old mind. Hardon was dumbfounded.

_Well,_ Hardon thought._ I guess retards are the only people who like the Chevy Chase show._

"Hardon!" Ho Peep called out. "Are you okay?"

Hardon turned back to the window. "Yea! I'm fine! I need some help!"

Stoney came up to the window. "Anything!"

Hardon threw the Christmas lights to Andy's house. "Here, catch this!"

SEVEN HOURS LATER

"I caught the lights!" Stoney yelled as the other toys woke up from their sleep.

Hardon sighed. "FINALLY! After seven hours, the stoner learns to catch. Now, tie it around something! Oh, another question. Say, you know someone who watched the Chevy Chase Show and they start acting like they're John Leguizamo, how do you change them back to themselves?"

Al Gore answered. "Make them watch anything with Val Kilmer."

Hardon looked at Butt, who was picking his nose and watching the horrible talk show, and thought. _Geez, I hate Butt but I don't want him to suffer something worse than death by watching a movie with Val Kilmer. _

Potato Head walked up to the other toys."How about another idea! How about we don't save Hardon?" And with that, he took away the lights, with the complaints of the other toys.

"Potato Head!" Ho Peep yelled.

Potato Head: "Have you guys taken your stupid pills this morning? DO NOT ANSWER THAT QUESTION, STONEY! You're going to let him back in here after what he did to Butt! And there's not going to be a climax to this fanfiction is we DO let him back! Butt is probably dead!"

Hardon shook his head. "No! Butt is fine! He's alright! He's with me!"

Potato Head yelled, "You are a LAWYER!"

Hardon laughed. "I am not a liar!" He turned to Butt. "Tell the nice toys that you're okay!"

Butt laughed as he saw a part of the show where Chase drops a birthday cake on an audience member. (seriously, that ACTUALLY happened)

Hardon told the toys, "Just a second." And turned to Butt. "Butt, will you come up here and give me a hand?"

Butt responded by throwing his severed arm to Hardon, who was furious.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! ARE YOU THAT MUCH ON DRUGS! IF YOU WANT TO BE THIS RETARDED, YOU COULD BE ON THE JAY LENO SHOW! WORSE AT LEAST ON THE CHO SHOW! I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR…" Hardon looked at the arm and laughed. "Ohhhh, I get it. I said to give me a hand and you throw me your arm! Wow! You could be the next Tim Allen." And with that, the hand magically floated up and slapped Hardon before falling on the ground again.

"Hardon! Where are you!" Al called.

"He's lying." Potato Head said. "Butt ain't there."

Hardon picked up the hand and kept it at the window where the other toys wouldn't notice Butt wasn't attached.

All the toys screamed at the hand. Hardon was confused since he kept the hand hidden. He turned to his side and saw Butt standing beside him, in all his glory minus his arm. On his chest was a Jamie Foxx sticker. Hardon pushed Butt away from the window but it was too late.

Al threw up on a miniature American flag that was beside him.

Pork stared at Hardon. "That is disgusting." He wasn't referring to Butt missing his arm, nor that Hardon was at the window holding it but he was disgusted at the Jamie Foxx sticker on Butt.

Potato Head yelled, "MURDERER! MURDERER!"

A Courtney Love doll walked by. "Did someone call me?"

Pork shook his head. "No. We meant a killer, not a murderer of music."

Hardon shook his head. "NO, NO, NO! I AM NOT A MURDERER!"

Potato Head yelled. "Save it for Nixon! You dope fiend!" And with that, he dropped the Christmas lights on Andy's side and then the rest of it dropped from Sid's side.

Hardon cried, "NO! YOU GUYS GOTTA BELIEVE ME! PLEASE! WE'RE DYING OUT HERE! HE'S MAKING US LISTEN TO JAY-Z!"

The other toys shook their heads and walked away. "Come on, folks. The show is over." Pork walked away saying.

Stoney was the only one at the window. Hardon pleaded.

"STONEY! PLEASE! PLEASE! HELP ME! HELP ME HELP YOU!"

Stoney, unfortunately, was so stoned out of his mind, he thought that Hardon was Russell Crowe. And after a past incident involving a toy Crowe and a telephone, Stoney freaked out and shut the window.

"STONEY!" Hardon yelled. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'LL GIVE MY BODY TO YOU!"


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

Storm clouds were forming in the sky. Hardon was leaning way out in the window, crying acid. He heard something behind him. He turned around to see Butt being surrounded by Sid's toys.

Hardon ran towards them, grabbing Butt's arm as a weapon. "Get away from him, you Shark Tale-hating, Franklin-watching….AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" As he went to the toys to defend Butt, Hardon was confronted by one of them: The Skeleton Baby. And it tried to take away Butt's arm from Hardon.

Hardon struggled to keep the arm. "GET BACK! GET BACK, YOU BRET MICHAELS LOOK ALIKE!" Even that horrible remark didn't keep from the toy from getting it away from him and turning away to Butt, with the other toys surrounding the gay ranger.

Hardon fell to the floor, watching Sid's toys kill Butt. Hardon came to the rescue. "I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASSES! GET AWAY FROM HIM!"

One by one, Hardon took the toys away from Butt, including a Mark David Chapman doll, who was so annoyed; he got a gun and killed a beetle. (get it?)

Hardon finally got to Butt and saw that his arm was reattached and looked normal.

"Hey, they fixed you." He went to Butt and turned his left arm around, fixed. "But how did they get your mind to be normal again."

A Harry Potter doll tapped Hardon on the shoulder and pointed at the television. Hardon saw that it was showing a re-run of Jimmy Kimmel Live.

_Of course, _Hardon thought. _A show that is just as bad as The Chevy Chase Show but more tolerable. _

Hardon looked at Butt. "Butt, they're cannibals. What about those other toys?"

The toys parted apart to reveal a now fixed Jessica Simpson toy. They actually fixed her. Well, her body, not her mind.

Hardon looked back at Sid's toys and chuckled. "Heh, heh. I thought you guys were as evil as, well, the President of Fox Programming. Or, well, at least as bad as Fox News. But you guys are as, well, decent as the BCC. Because I thought you were going to eat my friend."

Suddenly, Sid's toys ran into the darkness. Hardon was puzzled. "Guys! What's wrong!"

Suddenly, he heard voices outside the door.

"SID! GET BACK HERE WITH MY DICK CHENEY DOLL!"

"MOM! I'M GOING TO FIX HIM!"

Hardon was scared. "SID!" He went to Butt and tried to get him up. "Come on, Butt. We got to hide." Butt fell down, leading to Hardon being furious.

"Fine! Stay where you are! You can stay there and be as dead as Jimmy Carter but don't blame me."

He then ran to an empty crate box and pulled it over him, just as Sid came into the room.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

"It came!" Sid exclaimed, holding a cardboard box that said "WARNING!" on it. "It finally came!" He exclaimed again as he ran the box toward the 'operation' desk. Hardon peeked through the crate while Sid was burrowing through the box.

Finally, he reached out a red rocket that had a name painted on its side in big gold letters: "The Rection". Sid said and he put it down and read something at its lower side. "Extremely dangerous! Keep out of reach of Richard Simmons."

Hardon looked across from his crate to see a hiding, but dancing, Richard Simmons doll, who heard this, turned sad, and walked away with his head down, with the song _How Could This Happen To Me_ blasting in his head.

Sid took a step back from the rocket. "Cool." He looked around the room. "Who am I going to blow? Man. Hey, where's the wimpy hillbilly Irishman?"

Hardon was frightened because he was talking about him. Sure, he was wimpy and a hillbilly but he certainly wasn't Irish, due to a custody battle that never happened.

Sid looked around and saw the crate that Hardon was under. In terror, Hardon hid under a magazine, stupidly. Sid walked up to the crate and lifted it up.

He saw that there was something under the magazine but he didn't want to bother.

"Ewww. People Magazine chose Matt Dillon for the cover? What does he have to show for it?" he shook his head as he was about walk away. Then he stepped on something. He looked down and saw that he stepped on Butt's arm.

Sid picked Butt up as Hardon ran quickly next to the 'operation' desk and hid under some old newspaper that had "RIP Dennis Hopper" on the front cover. "Yeah!" Sid said, as he took Butt and the crate to the desk. "This toy should blow up into more pieces than New Coke." Then he shook his head. "Those poor arrogant bastards."

He then put Butt on the table and put the crate over Hardon, with a heavy tool box on top of it. Hardon watched as he worked on Butt.

Sid went into the tool box and pulled out duct tape. "Awww, crap!" Sid shook his head. "Where the Hell did I put the manual for this? How the Hell will I use this? Oh, well. Guess I'll have to learn with Plan B." He went into the box again and pulled out a video tape: The Red Green Show.

Twenty minutes later, Sid went back to work. He used the duct tape to tape Butt onto the rocket. Hardon, saw Sid hold up the Butt-rocket, in horror.

Then, sunlight hit Sid's window.

Sid moaned. "Oh, no!" he went up to the window with the Butt-rocket still in hand. The sun, obviously, disappointed him. "Oh, maaaaaaaaaan!" he smashed his head against the window, smashing it into pieces, along with what was left of his brain.

Hardon was relieved as Sid muttered, "Stupid 2000-something with its stupid Bush and its better Obama."

After a few seconds of silence, Sid looked at Butt and used his other hand to pretend it was a phone.

"Sid Vic…I mean. Sid Phillips, here! We are experiencing some turbulent weather. Please, strap in your seat belt or you'll end up like Mr. Barker." During this speech, he put Butt down on a table and picked up a John Mayer alarm clock that said, "That's enough, Heath Ledger!" and set the alarm. "Now, if you don't want to be as dead as the people who saw A Knight's Tale or Norbit, please fasten your seat belts. If you don't, depending on who you are, I will probably R. Kelly you or Chris Brown you. For now, just…"

Sid slammed his alarm clock on a desk next to him. "…sleep. Sweet dreams." He said, as he took a bottle of sleeping pills and a bottle of whisky and took them all, before falling like, Huge Grant's career, on to his bed.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

**Andy's house**

It was night time. Andy was in bed with his mother tucking him in. The big move was coming tomorrow, which explains the boxes in his room.

"Can you get to sleep with a toy?" his mother asked.

"I didn't even get to say goodbye." He answered, leaving a confused look on his mother's face.

"Well, don't worry. We'll find Hardon and Butt by the morning." His mother kissed his forehead as she begun to walk out of the room.

"Will we find my Amelia Earhart doll and my Jimmy Hoffa action figure?" he asked.

His mother smiled. "Honey, I am going to give you the same answer when you asked me if they're going to make a good enough Black Eyed Peas album again: There is no way in Hell it's ever going to happen." And with that, she closed the door and, thanks to the Ritalin and other drugs, Andy went to sleep in thirteen seconds.

One of the boxes was moving and out came Al and Potato Head, with Al breathing for air.

Potato Head: "What the Hell are you doing?"

"I can't breathe!" Al whispered. "I'm a human being!"

Potato Head rolled his eyes. "This is the last time I ever get stuck with a moving buddy that would have been President."

Al responded: "Well, I WAS actually elected. It's just that those assholes at Fox News corrupted the voting system."

Potato Head: "Like I said, this is the last time I get stuck with a could have been President as a moving buddy." And with that, he went back into the box.

Al went back into the box. "But the Ozzy doll is with the Satan action figure.

Ho Peep, meanwhile, stared at the drug sleeping Andy, who was holding a huge hat shaped like Hardon's.

"Oh, Hardon." She whispered. "You have no idea how much Andy misses you. He's even begun to play with the Andy Dick doll. If that doesn't spell out desperate, than Joan Rivers should've been dead years ago."

**Sid's house**

Sid was still sleeping on his bed. Well, part of his bed. He ate parts of it, during a dream where he was at a sandwich factory.

Meanwhile, Hardon tried to get out of the crate by dragging it to the edge of the desk, where he could escape. Unfortunately, the tool box made the crate too heavy for him to drag.

He saw Butt sitting there, hopelessly taped to a rocket. He whispered. "Butt!" No answer. He looked down and turned his head away in disgust as he saw Matt Dillon's face on the magazine. Quickly, he ripped it to shreds and found four nails under the book. He threw one at Butt.

Butt awoke and looked at Hardon, who was relieved to see a response. "Get this tool box off this so I could get out of here!"

Butt looked defeated, looked down on the ground with no response, leaving Hardon defeated. "Look, Butt. I'm really sorry about these past few days. I know that it has been a living Hell. I should know what a living Hell is. Andy owns an Andy Dick doll. Now, help me out of here so we can make it out of this house and break out of here to go to Andy."

Butt shook his head. "I'm no gay ranger." He admitted. "I'm just a stupid toy made in a place I've never even heard of."

Hardon looked at Butt, confused. "America?"

Butt nodded. "Then I have heard of this planet. Horrible place. It's filled with war, death, drugs, corruption, illegal downloading, and worst of all…"

Hardon: "Matt Damon."

Butt looked at Hardon, puzzled. "I was going those Twilight but no…it's that I can't do anything."

Hardon shook his head. "Yeah, you could! When Andy brought you into the room for the first time, I saw joy on his face. It was even better than the time he got to use a shotgun to shoot the DVD of that movie Darede…I mean, it has been the same joy on his face like when he watched Stuck On You…I mean….forget it. My point is, you are a cool toy."

Butt shook his head. "But why would Andy pick me?"

Hardon was shocked. "Why would Andy pick you…BECAUSE YOU'RE A TOY! YOU'RE A COOL TOY! YOU'RE THE ONLY THING IN EXISTENCE THAT I KNOW OF THAT HATES MATT DAMON! God knows why, I mean, what kind of moron picks Ben over Matt…I mean. What I'm trying to say is that it takes guts to do what you do! People would kill you if you were this way if you were a real human being."

Butt shook his head. "But why would Andy pick me?"

Hardon hit his head against the crate. "Oh yeah. I didn't really answer that question. BECAUSE YOU'RE A TOY! YOU CAN FLY! YOU'VE GOT WINGS! YOU TALK! YOUR HELMET DOES THAT…THAT…OUTKAST/JIMI HENDRIX THING! YOU ARE A COOL TOY!" Hardon realizes something. "But why would Andy pick me? I mean, I'm just an Irish hillbilly."

Butt looked up at Hardon, puzzled. "But the fanfiction stated that you weren't Irish."

Hardon shrugged, glumly. "Well, I might as well be one. I am a drunk."

Butt was confused. "But I haven't seen you drink the entire time I've seen you in this story."

Hardon noddd, gloomy. "When this fanfiction writer writes the deleted scenes, you can pretty much understand why those drinking scenes had to be cut out. But, anyway, I'm just a small town girl living in a…wait. I'm just a toy that has been overused more than Kevin Federline at an abandoned gas station ever since you came along. I'm as useless as an R/B singer in South America."

Butt shook his head and whispered. "No, you're not that useless."

But Hardon didn't seem to hear what he said. "Andy's better off without me." And with that, Hardon sat with his back away from Butt, quiet.

Butt realized what he must do.

Meanwhile, Hardon was in his depressing spot. "Sid's going to wake up any minute. You should probably go off without me." He turned to Butt to say something but Butt wasn't there. Hardon sighed, knowing that Butt would always be there for support and happi…BULLSHIT!

"BUTT! WHAT THE HELL! IF YOU'RE LEAVING, AT LEAST HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE!" Hardon yelled at Butt, who was about to open a window.

Butt, who forgot about Hardon, was surprised to see the hillbilly. "I was just about to get you." With that, Butt climbed at the top of the crate and tried to push the box of it. Hardon tried to push the crate in order to make an opening at the edge of the desk.

The two toys both heard a loud vehicle next door. They looked out a window to see a moving truck outside Andy's house.

"Hardon," Butt informed. "The moving van is outside."

Hardon responded, "We have to get out of here or else we'll be like those people who don't make it in that movie 2010."

Butt, who, with Hardon, continued working with the crate, was confused. "Isn't it 2012."

Hardon shook his head. "If Palin is still around, we're sure it will end that year."

There was an opening at the edge of the desk, letting Hardon free from underneath.

"Butt! I'm free!" he called out.

But Butt didn't seem to hear. "Almost there!" And with that, both the crate and the toolbox fell from the desk…on top of Hardon, which made a loud noise.

Suddenly, there was a commotion. The loud noise had caused a bowling ball to roll off a broken shelf, which catapulted a model airplane, which crashed into an Aaliyah doll, which was on a flammable substance that made a huge fireball. That fireball flew up in the air and onto a Richard Pryor doll, which ran around, silently screaming. The Pryor doll managed to smash into a car, hitting a Lisa Lopes doll, sending it flying into two model airplanes, both flying out of a window and into another home, which had a major gas leak. The home managed to blow into bits and pieces while a Bruce Willis action figure jumped off the roof, just in time, and out of this fanfiction story.

Butt looked at Sid, who was still sleeping. "I wanna ride Fergie…." He mumbled in his sleep.

Butt called Hardon from the desk. "Hardon! Are you okay?"

The toolbox shook as Hardon appeared out of it, dazed and confused. "I'm fine. I'm okay."

The alarm clock rang.

Hardon hid back into the toolbox while Butt went back into his neutral position, with the rocket still strapped on to him.

Sid woke up and looked at the window. Sunny. "Alright! It's bright outside!"

He ran out of bed, took Butt from the desk, and ran out of the door, screaming, "TO URANUS AND TO COME! WHOO-HOO!"

And, with the song _Song 2_ playing in his head, Hardon jumped out of the box and toward the door before it closed.

Hardon jumped at it as the door was about to close.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

He blocked the door with his hand and fell on his side. He got up to open the door but stopped because he saw something that made him freeze: A Kanye West action figure.

He ran to Hardon, screaming, "I could have done that better! I am the greatest door blocker of all time! I am the Omega!"

Hardon shut the door, both frightened and annoyed. "I feel so sorry for Taylor Swift." He whispered. Then, he saw Sid's toys come out of the shadows. "GUYS!" And with that, they ran back into the shadows.

Hardon cried. "Oh, come on, you guys!" he proclaimed. "I need your help! I need to stop Sid from making the biggest mistake since Joseph Gordon-Levitt made Treasure Planet! Or when the Red Hot Chili Peppers made One Hot Minute!"

With that, a Dave Navarro doll ran out of the room, crying.

Hardon, unfazed to this action, kept talking. "I don't want to leave without him. I need him because he's a better leader. He's like the wise George H. Bush to my hip Bill Clinton. Guys, he's my friend. My only friend the end…I mean, he's my friend. I can't rescue him without you too."

Suddenly, a Bono doll jumped up. "YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!" He shouted, along with The Edge, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr. rocking with the Vertigo beat.

Hardon shook his head. "I meant you too, not U2, but you can join into helping me get Butt."

The Edge shook his head. "We can't. We have to help poor people who are suffering from disease and are nearly dying!"

Adam Clayton said, "In fact, we must get going!"

"To Disneyland!" Larry shouted. With that, the toy band ran out the window.

Hardon went back to talking. "So, help me please."

Silence.

Suddenly, a voice. "If you build it, they will come." It called to a confused Hardon, who said, "WRONG MOVIE!"

The skeleton baby walked out of the shadows. It used its bare knuckles to tap Morse code. And suddenly, the other toys gathered around.

Hardon was relieved but didn't know what the baby actually tapped out. It basically was:

"_We have to get this whiny toy out of this room. I can't stand him! Let his actual owner suffer! He makes the Pete Wentz doll seem tolerable!"_

The toys all gathered in a circle around Hardon.

"Thanks, guys! We all have to work together to make this bad thing go away. Even though, Nicolas Cage made Knowing and Disney keeps making horrible and pointless sequels to classic movies, we can save Butt from the rocket."

Suddenly, a Herbie Hancock action figure came beside Hardon and, for some odd reason, was dancing. Hardon picked him up and threw him into what he thought was an air vent but was actually a hole to the furnace.

Hardon looked at the other toys. "Anyone want to do anymore gags about what I say, please make you way to the air vent."

A crying Carrot Top doll ran from the crown and into the furnace, screaming.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Andy was getting ready to move out of the house, but he was quite glum. The last boxes from his room had been put in the truck and he was left alone, holding two things, one in each hand.

He looked at his left hand, which held a huge bottle of whisky, a symbol for Hardon.

He looked at his right hand, which held a Ben Affleck shirt, a symbol for Butt.

He looked at his private area and saw an Andy Dick doll, smiling at him and holding his owner's penis, a symbol for death and all things annoying.

Irritated at Mr. Dick, he threw it out the window near Sid's yard and it landed on a Phil Hartman doll.

They both came alive and Andy hugged Phil. "We're going to be buddies! I'm going to make sure nothing happens to you!"

Phil smiled. "This is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship!"

In the backyard of the house, Sid put the rocket strapped Butt on a picnic table. Sid was drunk and it was only eight in the morning. It was the readiness of destruction of Butt.

"Everybody! This is mission command aka Cum Nugget of the Century. We got conformation of the mission. We are going to be ready in about twelve minutes." He spoke in a walkie-talkie that was completely not there. After making racial slurs involving 2pac and having apparent delusions about the Space Channel, he passed out.

Back outside the room, the Kanye West doll was still walking back and forth in front Sid's door and shouting at it.

"I don't care who you guys are, BET, MTV, FUC, CITYTV, YTV, FCC, so long as you're not the BCC! I AM THE GREATEST CHANNEL EVER!"

Back in the room, the toys were gathered around Hardon, who was writing on paper.

"Now, we put you here. We put you here. And…. We're done. We finally solved a Sudoku puzzle!" he smiled, as the other toys clapped happily and high fived each other.

Hardon walked toward another piece of paper. "NOW, for the plan to save Butt." He wrote on the paper. "Now, we put you here. We put you here. And…. We're done. Everybody got the plan?"

All the toys nodded. Hardon pointed to the door. "ALRIGHT! LET'S MOVE!"

Suddenly, a Ludacris action figure danced his way to Hardon. "Bitch! Get out the way, get out the way, bitch, get out of the way!"

Hardon was confused. "You're one of Andy's toys! Why are you here?"

Ludacris shrugged. "Yard sale."

Hardon shook his head. "No, that's in the next movie."

Ludacris slapped his head. "Oh, yeah! There was no yard sale this time! Don't you want to know how I got here?"

Hardon shook his head. "Not really. I would but this fanfiction writer is writing everything I say and do. Plus, we have to save Butt."

Ludacris nodded. "Oh, okay. Well, see you later in the new house!" And with that, he disappeared into the shadows.

Hardon looked back at the other toys. "Now, we have to distract that irritating bastard out there!"

A toy called out, "That's right! Let's beat Sid with our plan!"

Hardon shook his head. "I meant the Kanye doll. Sid is evil but less annoying. We need him to be distracted by something…" he looked outside of the crowd of toys. "I think I know what we can use."

A Peter Griffin doll shouted, "THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!"

Hardon looked at the doll with a blank stare for a few seconds and then pointed at a corner.

"Go sit in the corner. Just go."

Peter, with his head down, walked to the corner, with the _Boulevard of Broken Dreams_ in his head.

Hardon went back to the toys and pointed at the object that he had his eyes on. "Get me that!"


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

The Kanye West doll was facing away from Sid's door, still shouting.

"I should have won that award for best picture, not that garbage movie! The Hurt Locker! That should have been about me! I'm hurt and I went to high school! I should be best picture!"

While Kanye was ranting about how horribly arrogant he was, an unidentified toy snuck out of the room and placed an object beside Kanye, before sneaking inside.

Kanye turned back. Only to see the object: A mirror. He smiled at his reflection.

"Hey, good looking. How you doing? You're the greatest rapper of all time! No, you are!"

Meanwhile, Hardon and some other toys were in toy cars. Hardon was sharing a taxi with three other toys, who were gangsters.

"Who are you guys?" Hardon asked them.

One of them answered. "Terror Squad."

Hardon was shocked. "So, you're responsible for 9/11!"

Another member answered, "No, we're a rap group."

Hardon shook his head. "Whatever. I never heard of you guys." He turned to the other toys and whispered, "Wait for the signal."

In the vents, a toy duck with Mr. T and a pair of legs taped to a fishing pole searching for a way to the front door. They found something a hall: a small hole, which for a toy can be easily squeezed through. They saw that the hole led to the front door.

The Mr. T duck wrapped himself around the line of the fishing pole and jumped with the pole with legs controlling the movements. The duck tried to press the doorbell while the pole swung it back and forth, like a swing to gain momentum. The duck finally the duck pressed the doorbell but smashed itself into it so hard, a window of the door broke.

"NOW!" Hardon yelled, as he and the other toys drove through the now-open bedroom door. Before they hit the stairs, however, they saw the Kanye doll, smashing the mirror. The Green Day song, Holiday, was all beating in their heads.

"I TOLD YOU! I'M THE GREATEST! I'M THE MICHAEL JACKSON OF ME! YOU'RE THE TITO JACKSON OF ME! YOU'RE NOBODY! I'M A LEGEND! I'M THE MICHAEL JORDAN OF ME! YOU'RE THE CHARLES BARKLEY OF ME! YOU'RE NOBODY! I'M THE JOHN LENNON AND YOU'RE THE RINGO STARR! YOU'RE NOT FAMOUS ENOUGH! I'M…"

Before he got to finish this annoying rant, Terror Squad did a drive by on Kanye, shooting him with toy bullets.

"YOU MAY BE THE MICHAEL JACKSON OF YOURSELF!" Hardon yelled on the way to the stairs. "BUT HE'S DEAD! AND SO IS JOHN LENNON!" He turned back to Terror Squad. "Thanks guys. You've done the world a favor."

Meanwhile, at the front door, the duck fell from the ceiling before Hannah came to the door. "I got it Mom! You go finish watching The Simpsons Movie for the seventh time!" She opened the door. "Hello?"

The toys rode down the stairs before splitting into two groups. One headed for the front door, the other headed for the back.

The toys at the front door went in between Hannah's legs.

Hannah didn't notice the toys go by her, or hear quiet whispering from one perverted Pee-Wee Herman toy.

Hannah was upset at no one at the door, so she yelled, "I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF YOU DING-DONG-DITCHING! IT'S REALLY ANNOYING! I SWEAR TO STEWIE GRIFFIN THAT I WILL CATCH YOU ONE DAY IN THE ACT, ANDY LARKIN! YOU MAY BE CUTE BUT YOU'RE SO ANNOYING!"

With that, she slammed the door as she muttered, not noticing the duck being pulled back into the vents; "Now I know how Canada feels about Celine Dion."

Hardon and the toys were in the kitchen, approaching the back door, which was open.

"Lean back!" he shouted.

"COPYRIGHTED!" one of the Terror Squad members shouted, as all the cars leaned back on their back wheels, impossibly.

With a sense of misdirection, the toys rode away from the door and smashed in the wall next to it.

Hardon, holding his head in pain, got up. "Let's just walk to the front door instead."

The toys went out the door while a Dr. Gregory House action figure went into the kitchen and found a medical cabinet.

But that story is for another time.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

The toys were officially in the backyard. They hid in the bushes while they watched Sid about to go through this horrible plan. Sid, totally wasted, was preparing for the plan while Butt was still strapped on the rocket and was placed on a picnic table.

"Sid Phillips," the boy called through his invisible walkie-talkie. "Boy One-Hit Wonder. About make a man go where no man has gone before. The Land of A Thousand Smithereens! Now, I must go get the supply for this one and only mission." After falling twice due to a horrible hangover, Sid went inside the house.

Hardon went to Butt, who was relieved to see him. "Hardon," he whispered. "Thank God you're here…"

"Shh!" Hardon put his finger to his lips, with Butt being confused. "Don't worry. This is all part of the plan." And with that, he fell into his neutral position.

Butt was frustrated. "Hardon, what the Hell are you doing?"

But before any answer could be told, Sid, even more loaded, came back with a box of matches. Butt stood in his neutral position. "I'm ready to go ahead with the mission as planned, only a few minutes until lunch and a few moments from launch."

Sid paused and saw Hardon. He went up to him and picked him up. "Hey, how did this get here? Oh, well. I'll get to it later." And with that, he placed Hardon onto a barbeque grill, right beside a Black Eyed Peas album, "The E.N.D." beside it and putting a match in Hardon's pocket.

He went back to Butt. "The launch will start in ten seconds…" Sid lit a match and put it near the tip of the rocket. "And counting."

"Ten, nine…" All the toys hid for cover.

"Eight, seven, six…" Hardon looked from the grill.

"Five, four, three, two, one!" Sid finished before being interrupted.

"Reach for the high!" a voice called out behind him. Sid turned to see who it was: Hardon's voice box.

"Huh?" Sid retorted as he went to Hardon.

"This town IS big enough for the two of us. My place later?"

Sid was still confused. "What?" he said as he picked up Hardon.

"SOMEBODY SHIT IN THE WATERHOLE!" the voice box continued.

Sid shrugged. "It's busted." And he was just about to throw it away, when Hardon still continued talking.

"Who are you calling busted, buster?" That caught Sid's attention as he looked at Hardon. "That's right I'm talking to you!" Sid looked at Hardon's back; the string wasn't pulled at all. "Sid!" Sid was terrified that Hardon knew its name, turning it over to its face.

"Now listen. We like being blown up. Just not tortured. Like making us watch Joan Rivers do stand up."

Sid was afraid. "We?"

"That's right!" Hardon answered. "Your toys."

A doll without a head walked toward Sid, making baby noises, also catching Sid's attention.

A huge toy truck from Bob the Builder rose above from the deep sandbox. Sid saw this and gasped in terror.

Several broken soldiers rose from muddy holes, making them look like mud monsters.

Sid saw several toys creep toward him and he slowly backed away, as _Thriller_ was playing in the background.

The skeleton baby landed on Sid's head, knocking its fingers on Sid's forehead, sending Sid screaming away from it.

Near Sid's feet was an upside down dog dish and under that was the Keanu Reeves doll. "Whoa." It said, terrifying Sid even more.

From a distance, there was a heavy echo. The fence surrounding Sid's yard broke down and it revealed toy skeletons, about five hundred of them! Suddenly, the song changed to _Seven Nations Army._

Suddenly, every single toy that Sid tortured, or destroyed, surrounding their evil owner.

Hardon's voice box started to talk. "These are the toys you put through misery and torture. And like Universal Pictures when they made Mac Gruber, you will pay dearly." Sid looked at Hardon and saw it was doing strange things. "We toys see evvveeeerrrryyy ytthhhhhiiiiinn nngggg." Hardon's head turned slowly, causing Sid's panic to go through the roof.

Suddenly, Hardon came alive. "So blow nice."

Sid's exploded; he threw Hardon in the air and ran back into the house. Well, it wasn't his house. He was so terrified he ran into his neighbors' house.

"HEY!" someone from next door yelled. "WHAT THE F=!"

Sid screamed. "THERE ARE THESE TOYS! AND THEY COME ALIVE! AND…" Sid didn't finish that sentence. There were gunshots heard from next door.

And Sid's body was smashed through the front window. The toys went up to the body and saw there was a huge hole where his left eye should have been. His other eye barely hung in his eye socket. His nose was broken and blood still came through its holes like a waterfall. His face, in other words, was in disarray.

The toys cheered. Hardon yelled. "WE DID IT! WE DID IT! YES!" And they went back to Sid's yard to rescue Butt.

Hardon helped Butt get off the table, with the rocket STILL strapped on to him.

Butt shook Hardon's hand. "Thanks for getting me out of this."

Hardon nodded to him and there was silence.

Sexual tension.

"Everybody say 'Bye, house!'" a voice called out. Andy's mom and she were in the car with Andy. They were getting ready to drive away!"

"Blow me!" Andy called to the house.

Andy's mother shook her head. "Just because those were the last words I said to your father before he died after watching Sex and The City, does not make it okay to say it to the house you lived in!"

Hardon and Butt jumped. "They're going to drive away!" Hardon yelled, as both toys ran to the van. "This was all fun, thanks guys!" He called out.

One of the fences, for some reason, wasn't broken, so, for another reason unknown, the toys decided to go through it.

Hardon got through okay but Butt had a bit of trouble due to the fact that the rocket was STILL strapped on to him.

Hardon climbed the back of Andy's car and saw that Butt was having trouble.

"Go on!" Butt called out. "I'll catch up."

Hardon run to him anyways. He knew that if he didn't go save Butt, there would not be a chapter 29 the way it should've been. Hardon pulled Butt down and pulled up out of the gap, making both of them free to go to the van.

Will they make it?

Meanwhile, back at the house, Hannah went outside. There were a lot of toys scattered all over the place. She went to go for a walk around the block before she noticed something next door.

She saw what looked like a huge dummy but WAS actually a huge dummy. She went up to it and saw Sid's dead body, complete with an ugly disfigured face.

"MOM!" Hannah called out of her mother. "Kathy Griffin is dead!"


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Hardon and Butt ran to the van but, unfortunately, it drove away. The song,_ Boulevard of Broken Dreams,_ was about to pop into their heads, when they heard a loud noise. They turned to see a large truck about to run them over. They ducked.

As the truck passed them, they got up to see the back of the truck: It was the moving van! It was sponsored by Fed-Ex.

"Fed-Ex?" Butt was confused. "I never knew they were into moving."

Hardon shrugged. "They are the cheapest pieces of humor the world has lately! Come on!" he said as the toys ran to the truck.

They were close to the truck and saw that there was a piece of tape on the back of it. Butt ran faster than Hardon, somehow, and grabbed the tape, climbing on.

Butt reached out his hand to Hardon. "Give me your hand!" Hardon tried to but Butt pulled it away. "PSYCH! HA! HA! HA! Just kidding!"

Hardon tried to reach the piece of tape. He jumped for it and grabbed it.

The toys laughed but Butt gasped at sight at what was behind Hardon. Hardon looked behind him, only to see an angry random dog chasing him… and biting one of Hardon's legs!

"NO! NO! STUPID DOG! BAD DOG! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Hardon yelled, kicking the dog with pointless success.

Butt called out, "Hang on!" The most useless thing to say when sitting down, doing nothing.

Hardon's grip on the tape was slipping. He shook his head. "I CAN'T DO IT! TAKE CARE OF ANDY FOR ME!"

Butt shrugged his shoulders. "Okay!" he was about to say goodbye to Hardon but the truck hit a pothole, sending Butt flying on to the dog, blinding its eyes, letting go of Hardon's leg.

"BUTT!" Hardon called out, as he saw the dog abusing Butt.

Hardon climbed the tape and carefully stood at the back of the van. He saw a hatch and so he flipped it over. He tried to open up the door but it was too heavy.

The truck, meanwhile, stopped at a red light, sending Hardon and the door up. He looked around the back of the truck and saw what he was looking for: ANDY'S TOYS.

He went towards it and opened the box. There was commotion in it as Hardon fully opened the box.

"Are we there already?" Al asked.

"You're an idiot." Potato Head answered.

"Hardon!" all the toys called out as he looked deeply into the box.

"Where is it?" he asked himself. "A-HA!" he took out a green toy car and its remote control, walking to the edge of the truck, placing the car there.

"What is he doing?" asked Potato Head.

The question had been asked when Hardon pushed the car out the truck, sending panic throughout the toys.

"AAAAHHHHH!" yelled Al. "He's killing again!"

Hardon controlled the car toward Butt, who meanwhile was having trouble with the dog. He was about to be eaten when the toy car raced to him. Butt saw that the car was gesturing him to ride on him, causing Butt to smile and nod.

Back at the truck, the truck stated moving again. The toys were in pure tyranny over Hardon's current actions. "KILL HIM!" Potato Head yelled, as they tipped over the box, sprawling all of them all over the floor. Hardon gasped as he saw the toys out of their box. He had to hurry.

Butt and the car raced toward the truck, with the dog right behind him. The more Butt looked back, the more the dog was closer to them.

_Boy, _Butt thought. _Who would have thought Ciara would look like this?_

The toys picked up Hardon. "NO! WAIT!" But before he could explain anything, the toys spun him around, which led the car controls to do the same and, therefore, Butt, the car and the dog went in circles. Then, the toys threw Hardon to the ground, making him jump a bit, which made the car jump a lot but back into the path toward the truck.

Ahead, there was traffic. The truck had gotten by with no problem but Butt was getting there. Butt screamed as he headed towards a car. Somehow, the toy car went by the traffic, getting Butt passed it safely. The dog wasn't so lucky. All the cars made crazy turns just to avoid it. A huge big rig smashed into a pile of cars, exploding in the process and hitting the dog, sending it flying on top of another broken car.

Butt looked back at the heavy traffic and breathed a sigh of relief.

The dog, meanwhile, was not moving. Instead, its spirit rose from its body. The dog looked around and saw the traffic. There was a lady screaming for her baby but the dog knew that it killed her baby, even though it wasn't mentioned but it's in the deleted scenes that, due to Disney and Pixar's threatening letter to this fan fiction writer, can never be written.

Suddenly, the dog heard horrible groaning. It looked at the ground and saw shadows moving and taking form. They turned into dark, faceless demons. The dog whimpered as the shadows surrounded and walked around it. The dog howled in terror as the demons took it away, into the ground. The shadows went back to normal and the spirit of the dog disappeared.

A Patrick Swayze doll nodded its head and disappeared into a bright light.

Back at the truck, Hardon wasn't having much luck. The toys were going to throw him out.

"LISTEN TO ME! BUTT IS IN DANGER! WE GOTTA HELP HIM!" As he said this, his arms were flailing in a way of how Michael J. Fox's moves today, so that led to one of his arms smashing all of Potato Head's face features from his head to the ground.

"Throw him overboard!" his mouth said, as the toys threw him out.

Hardon bounced a few times and then fell face first on to the ground.

"SO LONG, LETTERMAN!" one of the toys called out, as Hardon sighed, with disappointment, of course.

He looked behind him, only to see a speeding Toyota rush to him and hit him clean off the ground.

_Dammit,_ he thought, as he flew up in the air in slow motion. _Switching to Geico was a horrible idea!_

"HARDON!" a voice called up to him and Hardon saw that Butt and the car were driving right below him. Hardon landed perfectly in front of Butt on the car.

"Are you alright?" Butt asked.

"Not really," Hardon winced in pain. "Why did the creator of this fan fiction make me with a pair of family jewels?"

Butt yelled, "LOOK OUT!" He was pointing to in front of them. The wheel of a car was rushing to them. Hardon screamed as he took the controls and swerved the car.

"Now," Hardon shouted. "Let's catch up to the truck."

Butt was confused. "You want ketchup on the truck?"

The toys on the truck high fived each other over a horrible job well done. A pair of small toy binoculars looked at the highway and saw a small green car in the distance, along with two passengers on the top of it.

"Hey, guys," the little toy called. "Hardon is coming back on the car. He's with…BUTT!"

Ho Peep looked through the toy and saw Butt, Hardon and the car racing to the truck.

"It is Butt!" Ho Peep yelled. "Hardon was telling the truth."

Stoney, out of nowhere, was shocked. "What have we done?"

Al shook his head. "Great, now I have guilt!"

Potato Head jumped up and down. "Hey look, everybody! Al Gore has guilt!"

Most of the toys went in packed boxes and got out cameras to take a picture of Al Gore's guilty face.

Stoney looked around. "Where are Richard Nixon, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush? They should be a part of this picture!"

"We're almost there!" Hardon shouted as the toys went closer to the truck.

"Random Strong Man!" Ho Peep called out. "The ramp!"

Random Strong Man went over to the ramp lever and pulled it down, releasing the ramp from under the truck. Due to the speed the vehicle was going, the ramp hit the ground and flipped over, unable to let the toys in.

"Hold on to my legs!" Stoney called out as half of him jumped and the other half were held by the other toys. He landed on the ramp and held out one hand. "Hardon, give me your hand!"

Hardon stared at him. "ARE YOU CRAZY! IT TOOK YOU SEVEN HOURS TO CATCH CHRISTMAS LIGHTS FROM ONE HOUSE TO THE NEXT! YOU WANT ME TO GRAB YOUR HAND IN THIS RIDICULOUS SPEED!"

Stoney laughed. "Pretty much."

Hardon shrugged. "Alright!" And Hardon held out his hands and held Stoney's pot infested hands.

"He's held on!" The toys called out.

Suddenly, the toy car started to slow down, pulling Stoney even more further from the truck, with the other toys hanging on to his legs.

"Hardon!" Stoney shouted. "Speed up!"

"Speed up!" Hardon shouted to Butt, who was working the controls.

"The batteries! They're dying!" Butt yelled. "Why does Andy still use Duracell instead of Energizer?"

Stoney began to stretch as the car slowed down, away from the truck. Hardon and Stoney still tried to hang on together. The speed got much faster.

"

Meanwhile, inside Andy's car, the family was listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers covering "Hakuna Mutata". The baby looked in a rearview mirror and saw the toys riding to some sort of certain death. Laughing as it got out of its seat; it opened the door and, with the car still moving, jumped out to greet them.

After getting run over by fifteen cars, the baby was dead.

"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H!" Stoney and Hardon screamed. Their grip on each other was slipping.

"I can't…" Stoney said with his grip on Hardon was slipping.

"Stoney!" Hardon yelled. "Hang on!"

But their hands slipped each other and the two groups of toys went their separate ways, with Hardon, Butt and the toy car slowing down and the others rolling forward.

The toy car slowly stopped. Hardon leapt off the car.

"Great!" he said, as he thought of a way out of this mess.

Butt thought for a moment. "Hardon! The rocket!"

Hardon lit up. "The match! Yes!" Hardon reached into his pocket and pulled out the match from earlier. "Thank you, Sid!"

Butt was confused. "Did you just thank the face of evil?"

"Yeah, so?" Hardon shrugged as he light up the match. "What's the worst that can happen?"

He was about to lit the rocket fuse when a speeding car passed by them, putting the light out.

"Haw Haw!" the passenger laughed at the toys as the car drove away.

Hardon looked at the burnt out match and cried. "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! YE-NO!" Butt looked at the ground as Hardon fell down to it and hit it with his fist. "NO! NO! NO! NO! YES! NO! NO!"

He was feeling angry and the song, _Break Stuff,_ was just about to enter his mind when smoke came out of his hand. He looked at it and saw that it was smoking. He looked at Butt and saw why. The shining sun had reflected off his helmet, causing his hand to catch on fire.

After twenty seconds of trying to put out the fire on his hand, Hardon grabbed Butt and made sure the sun reflected off onto the rocket fuse.

"Hardon! What are you doing?"

"Hold still, Butt!" As planned, the light burned the fuse and set it on fire, getting it ready for action.

Hardon laughed and got back on the toy car as Butt laughed. "You did it! Next stop, Andy!"

Hardon realized something. "Wait a minute! I just lit a rocket. And if I just lit a rocket and it is attached to you. And Ally McBeal could've still been on the air… that means rockets explode!"

And off they went! The rocket blasting toward the truck as fast as light. Hardon, not being able to take this in properly, saw his life flash before his eyes.

_Crap, _he thought as the toy sped toward frightening doom. _My insurance is not gonna cover this after I faked my death twice._

Back at the truck, the toys helped Stoney with himself due to the fact that he was strung out.

"I couldn't save him! I was too high!" he moaned as he smoked another doobie.

"Guys! There's Hardon and Butt coming to us!" Al yelled as he saw the toy car coming at impeccable speed. The toys cheered.

The car hit an unidentified object as they began to float. Hardon hung on to the car, Butt hung on to Hardon and the object hung on to Butt. The toys were floating as Hardon began to lose grip on the car, throwing it as they flew up in the air.

"Take cover!" Al yelled to the toys got out of the car's way, only hitting a Stephen Baldwin action figure, which only cost twenty-nine cents to make.

In the air, Butt, Hardon and the object slowly made their way into space.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Hardon screamed. "This is the part where we blow up!"

Butt was about to say something but the object said something. "Not today!" The two toys looked up at the object and saw that it was a toy! It wore black clothes, black eyeliner and long hair.

"Criss Angel!" Hardon yelled. "You garbage excuse for a magician! How are we going to get out of this?"

Criss took out his left hand. "Like this." And, for some paranormal reason, the rocket was unstrapped from Butt, leaving Butt and Hardon to fly from it while the rocket and Criss Angel exploded in the air, although it's not certain if Criss made it out alive.

Butt, hanging on to Hardon, took out his devil wings before the toys hit the ground. Hardon shut his eyes as he braced for impact.

Suddenly, they began to fly. Hardon looked from his eyes and laughed. "Butt! We're flying!"

Butt shook his head. "We're not flying, we're falling with style! Wait, no, we're flying."

Hardon laughed as he spread his arms, like a bird. "TO URANUS AND TO COME!" The song, _I Believe I can Fly, _had popped into his head.

_Screw you, Ben Affleck, _Butt thought as he smiled. _I'm going to worship someone who appreciates me more. Matt Damon._

Hardon looked down only to see that they floated above the truck.

"Uh, Butt?" he said. "We missed the truck!"

"We're not aiming for the truck!" Butt replied. "By the way, I've never really learned about landing properly. I only saw Police Academy 4."

Hardon shrugged. "You can do…"

Inside Andy's car, Andy heard the back window smash. He turned around to see a bloodied Hardon and Butt.

"Hey, Mom! Look!" he pulled out the toys. "Hardon! Butt!"

"See I told you we would find them! Where were they?" she asked.

"Right here in the car." He answered, not really a smart answer, considering that the back window was broken, leading to some conclusion that the two toys were NOT in the car the whole time.

"Well, that's where I told them they would be." She replied. "A deal is a deal. You lost the bet. Now, you owe me your whole bank account!"

Hardon and Butt winked at each other as sexual music was heard from the radio.

"Why don't we stop at a gas station again, sweetie?" Andy's mom asked, slyly.

"Just call me Daddy." Andy winked.

The sex scenes are in the deleted scenes but, once again, Disney and Pixar intervened.

(seriously)


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

It was Christmas time at the new house in Detroit City. Houses were being robbed, gunshots were heard and there was more liquor in one house than a rap video.

Andy and his family, minus the dead baby, were opening presents.

"Do you think a got a shank for Christmas?" Andy asked his mom.

"I dunno," she shrugged. "This is Detroit. I didn't buy them from stores. I stole them from little kids. I don't know what's in them."

He opened a present. "Tampons?" he asked.

"Bon Appetite." She seductively licked a candy cane.

Meanwhile, in the stolen Christmas tree, Lt. Nash looked over the presents. He was sending information through a walkie talkie to another in Andy's room.

"Come on, men!" he yelled. "This Christmas, you get to go home to your families!"

"But, Sir," one of the soldiers yelled. "We're toys. We don't have families."

"Have this man shot!" Nash shouted. "I want his head by morning and his brains for tonight!"

Meanwhile, Andy's toys were listening to the soldiers through the walkie talkie.

"Next present is a 2pac album along with a conspiracy note about his death." Nash said.

"Yeah, 2pac is alive…." Pork shook his head.

Hardon was pulled back by Ho Peep, who smiled. "Oh, hi, Ho, hi!"

"You were quite good this year." She smiled at him.

"Well, err, err, I got no words to put it." He looked up. "Is that mistletoe?"

"Mm-hmm." She answered as she knocked him down and kissed him. Ho Peep's new sheep, since the other ones got run over in the first chapter, held what was at first mistletoe but were actually…"Wait, no, that's poison ivy."

"Whatever." He shrugged. "We're gonna do it right here right now!"

At the walkie talkie, the toys, with Butt sitting beside it on the bed, sat listening to it.

"Next toy is…" Nash said. "A Mrs. Potato Head! I repeat, a Miss Potato Head!"

Potato Head jumped for joy. "GREAT! Now I can do what I always dreamed of with a wife." With that, he went to one of Andy's drawers and took out a small belt. "DOWN, BITCH, DOWN!"

Hardon sat beside Butt, with lipstick all over his face. "I don't care if she has herpes, she's still pretty good!"

The walkie talkie started crackling and Butt hit it. "Butt, you're not nervous are you?"

Butt shook his head. "Me? Yes, no, maybe. I don't know. Can you repeat the question?"

Hardon put his arm around Hardon's shoulder. "What could possibly be more dangerous them you?"

Suddenly, the door opened and the toys screamed. It wasn't Andy or his mom but it was a toy from the past. A broken toy soldier from Andy's house.

"YOU BASTERDS LEFT ME BEHIND!" it screamed. "YOU GUYS RAN AWAY FROM ME WHEN I GOT RAN OVER BY THAT BALL AT THAT PARTY! WELL, GUESS WHAT! LT. NASH AND THE OTHERS ARE DEAD!" With that, he took out several REAL, NOT TOY, grenades, and threw them in the room, chaos ensuing.

A few hours later, several new toys looked around the massacre. All of Andy's toys lay dead everywhere. The toys included Alexx, Ryan, Frank and, of course, Horatio Caine. The CSI: Miami team.

Horatio: Tell me, Alexx. What have we got here?

Alexx: What do you think? It's a straight up massacre. (goes up to a broken faced Ho Peep) Aww, baby. You were too young for a seventy year old toy.

Horatio: Any witnesses, Ryan?

Ryan: All of the toys are dead. No survivors, therefore, no witnesses.

Frank: (walks to Horatio) I just looked at the tapes from the cameras during the massacre.

Horatio: (looking down at his sunglasses, not making eye contact with Frank) Do you know who did this?

Frank: Scott Wells, soldier. He was supposed to be drafted in the actual army but, due to his past involving being in trouble with the law, he was forced into the Canadian army.

Horatio: Anything else?

Ryan: Well, Mr. Wells comes from a peaceful city where he was the only bad egg. According to people who were close to him, he was a public nuisance to the public.

Horatio: In other words, he was a menace (puts on sunglasses) to society. (walks away)

YYYYYEEEEEEEEEA AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH H!

(play the CSI: Miami theme song while reading the stuff below)

Thank you for reading this. It took A WHILE to finish this but it was worth it. Thank you for giving me those past reviews and I hope you put more reviews on this story! I would also like to thank Disney and Pixar for making this amazing movie for me to make fun of! I also like to thank Ben Affleck, who does not have time to read this story, for making such horrible movies that I can diss him any which way I want! I also want to thank Matt Damon for making good movies (I don't care if Green Zone did poorly at the box office, it looks kick-ass!).

Well, thanks for reading!


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